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Thread: tough spot to continue from here me thinks

  1. #1
    RedSoBad is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default tough spot to continue from here me thinks

    There's a girl that I used to date that I am in contact with, but not too much. Basically, what I feel is that she calls me 90% of the time if she needs something (some kind of help or something) and 10% of the time about nothing much in particular.

    She asked me to buy something for her online as I once did when we dated (and she gave me the money afterwards obv.) and to teach her how to transfer music from itunes to iphone etc. That was a week ago. She called me a couple of times and I basically avoided to do anything, and yesterday when she called me I told her that she should find someone else to do that stuff for her. A couple of hours later, in the evening, I got a whatsapp text from her..

    her: I am just letting you know that you were very rude today...

    me: It wasn't my intention, but it annoys me when you only call me when you need something..

    her: That is not true. Now I won't call you at all anymore!!!

    me: Well yeah.. Because you won't ask anything of me any more

    her: Your humor is as pathetic as you today.

    me: Thanks



    Basically, I would like to know your thoughts about these texts. Also, I like her, and if possible, I would like to recreate the spark and do something with her again, obv.

    So yeah, fire away...

  2. #2
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    Default Re: tough spot to continue from here me thinks

    When she said you were "being rude" you could have responded with something like:

    "Hey now, Miss Whiny McWhinenheimer, you love me & you know it... And I'll help you out, but you gotta do something for me too..."


    This way, you're playfully calling her out for complaining AND you're establishing compliance by telling her she has to do something for you too.

    Girls almost always accept "challenges" like that.


    Need one on one private coaching? PM me for details.

  3. #3
    RedSoBad is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: tough spot to continue from here me thinks

    True, but on the phone, when she first asked me to do that for her and I told her that she has to do something for me, it was her who then said I'll buy you a pizza. Like, what you have to do is 5 minutes this, and for me to understand this is another 5 mintues so it will take only 10 minutes of your time, and I will buy you a pizza for it. Then I said ok, but later I was like, wtf, fck pizza, although I would like to hang out with her. Yet, I don't want to hang out with her at all cost because that positions me badly..

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    Default Re: tough spot to continue from here me thinks

    It's pretty obvious that this woman is a user and nothing more; it seems to me like when y'all dated she probably controlled the relationship, and if I had to guess she's the one who ended it.

    But you keep talking to her because you're holding out that maybe you can date her again. Just move on man, it's obvious that this woman doesn't care about who you are as a person, only what you can provide her.
    Rule Number 1: You are not a PUA.

  5. #5
    RedSoBad is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: tough spot to continue from here me thinks

    It is quite possible that you are correct.

    We were not in a relationship because I didn't want to be in one (but later I realized that I did want one) and I had some unresolved issues with the ex that this girl didn't like and thought that I want to go back to the ex all the time which I kind of wanted, but I liked this one more.

    We were more romantic friends to be more precise. I wouldn't say that she controlled it because although I am lost at some things I am not a complete wuss.

    In the middle of our romantic friendship, her mother died, so the romance (sex kissing etc) died as well and given how I was unsure how to continue (although I was supportive through the toughest period and was the guy she would be calling when she was out, or crying or whatever) it fizzled away and did not go back.

    She is very attractive and pretty smart, also she is a catch and has a lot of suitors and usually tells me how this guy or that guy told her that they love her and want to be in a relationship with her, and she considers them all just friends and says how crazy they are to tell her those things because she isn't romantic with any of them (calls them hobbits, badgers and stuff ).

    Besides, since her, I've been "romantic" with two girls, yet I come back thinking and kind of obsessing about this one quite a lot actually.

    :/

  6. #6
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    Default Re: tough spot to continue from here me thinks

    What you're describing is one-itis mate...

    Even if she just see's you as a friend then that little spat shouldn't end a friendship. She sounds like a complete user!

    you were honest and told her that you felt she only called when she wanted something. Ok you maybe could have said it better, but any girl or indeed friend worth having would reflect on it and apologise... eventually.

    If she doesn't then she is not worth your time. Wait for her to contact you and freeze her out for being a twat.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: tough spot to continue from here me thinks

    Quote Originally Posted by RedSoBad View Post
    I come back thinking and kind of obsessing about this one quite a lot actually.
    Michel Foucault is one of my favorite "philosophers"; if you enjoy reading and have some free time, read his essays on power.

    Her life has been so out of her control, that she has latched on to these feelings of power she has over you and others. In her mind, you are strictly an ego booster; reassurance that she has control over something in her life. So here's what i'm going to do, i'll give you two different paths you can take:

    1) Move on. This is a toxic relationship that is already having negative implications on your "romantic life" outside of your current relationship with her. You have neither the skills nor emotional stamina to deal with this in a positive way.

    2) USE THIS WITH CAUTION

    If you really want to make this something more, you need to understand that she ascribes a lot of her self image to the ability to have control over things in her life, because so far almost everything has been out of her control. Leave her ALONE for some time, keep interactions very short. She needs people in her life that she controls. If she feels like you are slipping away she will pursue it to keep you on that string. Once you can sense her trying to hook you again, keep slipping away; don't play into her game. It will get to the point where she will need you in her life to feel in control; you can test this by giving her lead-ons when she asks you for things, "I'm busy tonight, I can maybe hang out for a little bit tomorrow." Then you don't hang out. Get her on your time. If you play this correctly, you become a sense of normalcy, something she needs to maintain. This is dangerous though, because they can quickly become dependent upon you, especially when dealing with someone who is emotionally unstable.
    Rule Number 1: You are not a PUA.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: tough spot to continue from here me thinks

    Icarus has been giving some BANGIN' advice!
    This latest post is no exception.


    Need one on one private coaching? PM me for details.

  9. #9
    RedSoBad is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: tough spot to continue from here me thinks

    I thought that by not giving in to "helping her", I am exhibiting a behavior that shows that I am slipping away from her. Also, around 2 weeks ago I kind of wanted to hang out a little and proposed a coffee next day, but then next day I sent her a message saying that something came up and that I can't, which wasn't true - it was just that I didn't feel like it anymore.

    Move on is probably the right answer, but what does move on really mean, and how to convince my brain to do it?

  10. #10
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    Default Re: tough spot to continue from here me thinks

    Quote Originally Posted by RedSoBad View Post
    Move on is probably the right answer, but what does move on really mean, and how to convince my brain to do it?
    This is a question that only you can answer. You need to figure out who you are and what you really want from this situation and life in general.

    For me, it was that I had just graduated college and backpacked alone across Pakistan/India/Nepal before I found out who I really was, and what I really wanted. Spend some time alone, you need to clear your mind and organize your thoughts. Everything in life, women included, fall into place once you slow down.
    Rule Number 1: You are not a PUA.


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