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  1. #1
    Banners90's Avatar
    Banners90 is offline PUA in Training
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    Thumbs down Letting her take control of the situation...

    I write this on the back of what may prove to be a bitter break up. I find this a little therapeutic. A lot of what I have done here I can already pinpoint where I went wrong. This is more of a warning than a request for help or big-up to myself for my work in the field. I think my situation is FUBAR but yours won't have to be .

    ****

    A few of my earlier posts are about this girl. So I won't bore you with the details of the initial contact. We went nearly 3 weeks without talking after having difficulty organising a second date, when suddenly, almost out of the blue, she texts me to ask how I am. I told her I was angry with her. She said 'sorry, I'll leave you to it then.' I then told her how I felt about her, she reciprocated her feelings. We then decided to meet finally, on Valentines.

    The date went well and we went out 3 days later. This has yet been the most sexually charged of our meetings. A lot of dry humping back at my place, but I didn't escalate it as I thought it was too soon. I've been told that this was Mistake #1 lol as I could have easily slept with her. We have been out a few times since then. However those meetings have been hard to organise and come by. She is a constant flaker and hard to get to commit to dates. I found myself asking her to say when she's available, Mistake #2. In hindsight I wish I laid off a bit and waited for to ask me.

    This indecision led me to question where her mind is at. I asked her to make things official with me. She said she wasn't read but still wanted to see me. She appeared to like the fact that I asked at all. Again there's still difficulty to meet. After the discussions about making things official emotions seemed to escalate for both me and her leading me to practically worship the ground she walks on, Mistake #3.

    I have given up alcohol for Lent and came off Saturday, this girl still gave me no indication as to whether or not she would come out with a bunch of friends to get drunk. I had asked her easily 2 weeks before this Saturday. I was angry and confused, asked a few friends for advice. They suggested we go out Thursday night and get my photo taken with girls to make her jealous. Just to spark a reaction and clarification on Saturday. Photos were taken and they definitely struck a nerve. My intentions were to try and get her to say what's going on with her internally.

    She came out Saturday with me. She hardly spoke to me at the start of the night. We all went to a club and we had a heart to heart. I decided to come clean about it all, she said I wish you just spoke to me about my insecurities rather than play stupid games, Mistake #4. I should have played this differently and been more assertive and again not let her take the moral highground. Today we have been speaking but it seems to have taken a turn for the worse. We are now not speaking for a bit then seeing how the land lies then.


    ****


    This for me leads to Mistake #5. Quite possibly the biggest one of all. What I have come to find is that being open and honest about stuff is by far the best option to take in times of confusion. Also, have the balls to take a leap of faith and ask questions about what's troubling you. I wish now I never too part in any of the events in Mistake #4 but because I made Mistake #5 it led to #4.

    Sorry it's a long one, needed to vent and seethe a little
    First post in a while, thanks for reading.
    PER ARDUA AD ALTA

  2. #2
    Siedways is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Letting her take control of the situation...

    I think she thinks you are not the man she orignally saw you as. You supplicated to her over and over, so it may be hard for her to respect you.

    Also, as you said, you should have escalated man, live and learn

  3. #3
    Blistex is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Letting her take control of the situation...

    It happens bro, it happened to me. You need to work on your frame control, as something that is specific to your situation.
    )
    I had a similar thing happen to me. If you are a regular drinker after a couple months of no booze you need to remember the fact you will be a bit overly emotional as you can't suppress them with alcohol.

    It is good that you realize your mistakes, but the important part is to learn from them.

    Just remember, you need (and in this case I do believe you DID have) the groundwork laid for openness and honesty.

    In my experience for emotionally weaker men like us, if you get REAL feelings for a girl and want more...after so long you will HAVE to tell her, and it is so scary because they will almost tell you they feel the same if they really like and care about you to avoid hurting you. At the same time any time you drop a bomb like this you need to prepare yourself to walk away.

    I think of it like this. I get real feelings for a girl and for a while I'm good. Then I get to the point where I want more with her, I want exclusivity. I get together with her and talk to her, this kind of forces her to make a decision (which in my case is the same crap you heard. I feel the same way about you blah blah). After that conversation we are either together or not talking any more. Though I should note this has only happened to me once in the last year. If she DOES feel the same as me she will want to be with me. If she DOESN'T feel the same way she will give me some of that female bullshit like "I'm not ready". If she doesn't want to be with me then she obviously doesn't feel the same way as me then I'm wasting my time and it is time for me move on and get over her.
    KISS - Keep it Stupid Simple


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