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  1. #1
    Essential17 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Got performance anxiety and ruined it

    Our first date, but we knew each other slightly beforehand. We spent a full day together and we got close toward the end of the night. She opened up to me about her past but I stayed reserved with my own emotions. We ended up trying to have sex and I just wasn't feeling it at all (I think it was just performance anxiety got to me.) It was very awkward, neither of us knew what to say, and then I left.

    The next day she ignored my call. Later she texted that she was upset and a little depressed about what had happened. She said she'd opened up to me but I was just cold about the whole thing and it made the intimacy feel cheap. She felt stupid about doing it and I wasn't a good person for her.

    I've been a little depressed since then. Things were going really well, ending up with her breaking it off. All because I wanted to keep my cool and stay reserved rather than act human about what happened. The truth is I genuinely did start to like herů we have similar histories and there was a connection I haven't felt with anyone in a long time.

    I don't know if what happened has made it unsalvageable. I might be attending an event she'll be at next week, I could say something or just keep out of her way.

  2. #2
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: Got performance anxiety and ruined it

    Why did she say you were cold and made the intimacy feel cheap? What are some more details that happened between you two leading up to sex?
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  3. #3
    rockd is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Got performance anxiety and ruined it

    From you posted, this is what I think you should do.
    Send her a respectful man-to-woman text. I think the event is too far away time wise. No game here just respect. I would do something like "I respect that you opened up to me, I was unprepared and unsure how to handle the situation and ended up handling it poorly. I'd like to see you again because I enjoyed our time spent together/we have a connection/share so much in common. Are you down to grab a quick cup of coffee?" This of course, will put you in a vulnerable position, so if she responds be careful how you act. Don't blow your emotion's lid. And if you do end up talking to her about this, try to make it short. Open up a little for her. Then get back to doing something fun.

    To be honest, I think she feels disrespected and not cared for by you, man up and don't play games. If you don't want to do try this, or do and she doesn't respond. Then move on and don't bother her.

    And if you do end up climbing that escalation ladder, pleasure the fark out of her. Learn some cunnilingus, fingering, and before sex get to know each other physically. That should help your performance problem, and keep her attracted to you.
    Last edited by rockd; 05-04-2013 at 03:40 PM. Reason: spelling

  4. #4
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    hometownextra is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Got performance anxiety and ruined it

    Agree with batman need more narrative to figure out what advice would help.
    Learn to be a better person not a better player.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Got performance anxiety and ruined it

    I actually think enough detail is listed to know what happened, and here's my take on the situation:

    Keep in mind for a moment that women are very emotional people. For the past 5000 years, women have depended on creating emotional and intimate bonds in order to survive. You say that you were reserved with your emotions when she was opening up to you. Although men are not the emotional type, you should have at least shown some sympathy or some sign that you were understanding her. By the sounds of it, you did absolutely nothing but wait until her confessions were over.

    Your second big error was that you let the sex happen, even though you were already unsure of the situation to begin with (anxiety). The sex felt awkward because it wasn't even out of pity. It wasn't out of romance, it wasn't out of a need to pleasure oneself, it was literally out of nothing. Of course the sex is going to be awkward if you do nothing to build up attraction. There was a slight possibility that it could have been out of comfort, but like I said before, you didn't do nearly enough to prove that.

    Your third and final error was letting her go through buyers remorse after the sex. Buyers remorse is where she is feeling out of sorts because she feels that sex may have been the wrong thing. You knew that the feeling between you two was awkward, yet you let it linger. Even worse, after she opened up to you and the whole situation went like a bat out of hell, you just left. You got up, and you left. Not the right move to make there brochacho.

    You did do one thing right, and that was that you tried to call her the next day. Although it was too late, to show that you were thinking about her does have a little bit of significance in the situation.

    If you want my advice, you need to make amends for your wrongs. You need to call her and apologize for passing her off like that. When you are at the event, try to treat her nicely after that. Please note that I am not mad with you or scolding you, I am just hammering in my point. Women are not "things", and that's something that a good number of the rookies on here have to learn. They are logical, rational human beings, just like us.
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

  6. #6
    Essential17 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Got performance anxiety and ruined it

    Quote Originally Posted by BatMan View Post
    Why did she say you were cold and made the intimacy feel cheap? What are some more details that happened between you two leading up to sex?
    I wanted to try and be brief in my initial post so it wasn't TLDR, but there were a few more details that may or may not be of importance:

    - I'd tried to get her attention through Facebook before and never succeeded until I flirted sexually.
    - I asked her about halfway through the date if she "wanted to have sex tonight". She got all shy and said yes.
    - After that she held my hand through the rest of the date.
    - Everytime she'd put herself out there with something (like reaching to hold my hand), I'd poke a little fun at her for it.
    - Whenever there was an awkward moment between us, I'd kinda elongate it longer than necessary, especially when we tried to start being physical.
    - When we were being physical, I wasn't taking it anywhere. I went through the motions but I didn't actually get excited enough and it showed.

    Reflecting back on this I believe I was sabotaging myself. Deep down I was terrified that I wouldn't live up to the expectations I'd set in the flirting through Facebook, and I don't think I wanted us to go straight into sex on the first date. So I kept subconsciously trying to keep her away so we wouldn't get as far as sex and I wouldn't need to face any potential humiliation. (Not that I'm bad at sex though.)



    Quote Originally Posted by rockd View Post
    From you posted, this is what I think you should do.
    Send her a respectful man-to-woman text. I think the event is too far away time wise. No game here just respect. I would do something like "I respect that you opened up to me, I was unprepared and unsure how to handle the situation and ended up handling it poorly. I'd like to see you again because I enjoyed our time spent together/we have a connection/share so much in common. Are you down to grab a quick cup of coffee?" This of course, will put you in a vulnerable position, so if she responds be careful how you act. Don't blow your emotion's lid. And if you do end up talking to her about this, try to make it short. Open up a little for her. Then get back to doing something fun.

    To be honest, I think she feels disrespected and not cared for by you, man up and don't play games. If you don't want to do try this, or do and she doesn't respond. Then move on and don't bother her.

    And if you do end up climbing that escalation ladder, pleasure the fark out of her. Learn some cunnilingus, fingering, and before sex get to know each other physically. That should help your performance problem, and keep her attracted to you.
    After she texted me the next day about how upsetting it was for her, I sent her a text that said:

    "I'm sorry. I never wanted you to feel that way. I noticed you open up to me. It takes a while for me to get comfortable around people. I truly did like you more than I'd expected, which is why I ended up getting anxious about being intimate with you. I thought I was doing the right thing to try and force it but the truth is I wouldn't preferred it to be natural. I know you're going to want some space right now. If you feel comfortable enough at some point, I'd really like to hang out with you again."

    …Which is very similar to what you suggested actually. I don't know if she believes that or if it'll make a difference to what she feels though. She hasn't responded. (Although it is still generally recent.)

  7. #7
    rockd is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Got performance anxiety and ruined it

    And if she doesn't you let both you and yourself retain your dignity through out whole ordeal. Which is far less than what a lot of guys would do. I think she'll see that.

    Good luck

  8. #8
    puafua is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Got performance anxiety and ruined it

    Hey man,

    I hope she responds back to you soon. If not, there are plenty of fish in the sea. lol.

    About performance anxiety: I suggest reading some self help books. I study psychology and it is in my belief that most anxiety problems can be fixed by changing your Mindset. There is a great documentary on Netflix called "The Secret." I highly suggest it. If you have any other questions about helping your mindset PM me. I will even talk to you over the phone.

    Best of Luck

    P.S. I am aware that this thread is almost a month old.

  9. #9
    Essential17 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Got performance anxiety and ruined it

    Hey thanks for the support puafua. I'm gonna consider your advice and watch that documentary now.


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