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  • 3 Post By Swagman

Thread: Balancing the Power in a Relationship

  1. #1
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    Default Balancing the Power in a Relationship

    This has been an on-going issue that I have seen in terms of relationship problems, and I have yet seen anyone else stand up for this view.

    A lot of the men here on the forums have this preconceived mentality that they need to maintain full power in a relationship. The girl needs to constantly prove themselves to you, the guy determines everything that goes on. If the girl does something that they guy doesn't like, the guy is supposed to chew her out and put her in her place. All the power in the relationship belongs in the hands of the male partner.

    This is a terrible mentality to have, and it will lead to destruction in the relationship. Here is why:

    Suppose that there are things that the girl does that bother you. Instead of talking things out, you yell at her furiously for what she has done. She submits, and you take victory, but deep down she is upset. You would not know, because you have not even taken the time to understand her. Time goes on, other issues pop up, and she becomes more and more unhappy as the power and "right" in a relationship are kept on one side. Eventually, she decides she has had enough and she leaves, leaving you wondering why she has left you when you thought the relationship was firm and stabble.

    A good relationship is one where the power is shared, not centered around one person. Both sides need to be able to recognize issues and peacefully talk through them, not roar at each other until one side gives out. From time to time, you also need to surrender or give in to what she wants. A relationship is like a never-ending tug of war: If you lose all the time, then you no longer want to play anymore.

    In Dr. John Gray's book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, the very first passage takes you to a situation very similar to what I have read to be supposedly "correct". Gray's wife had just given birth, she tore, and now she is in an agonizing amount of pain. This has carried over to Gray himself, and her attitude has driven him through the roof. Eventually, the two blow up into an argument, and just as he is storming out of the room, she finally tells him:

    "I'm in pain. Please don't leave me."

    It is at this moment that Dr. Gray comes to a higher understanding of the mechanics of a relationship. All of a sudden, he begins to understand the problems his wife is going through. She wasn't being a bitch because she is a bitch. She was in a bad mood because she is in agony. Now what kind of impact would that have on her if Dr. Gray had done the "dominant, manly" thing and just stormed out of there "like a boss"?

    Guys, not all problems in a relationship can be solved by yelling and trying to win things over in your favor. If you truly love someone, then you have GOT to be willing to make sacrifices. You have to able to talk to her and see things eye to eye, instead of yelling at each other in a display of brute force. Sometimes, the "manly" thing is not to revert to your physical dominance, but to connect with your lady on the emotional level that she understands most.
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

  2. #2
    -Ninja- is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Balancing the Power in a Relationship

    I couldn't agree more. I've heard many times that people will hurt the closest person to them, meaning, if your girl is hurting you're going to hear about it one way or another. She's not always lashing out at you because she's out of control, most of the time it's because she needs your support for an issue in her life.

    It's a difficult balance to manage sometimes. In my heart I would always rather be overly nice to a girl when gaming her, but that doesn't work as well taking a more "Alpha" approach.

    At the end of the day, I use gaming to break through to a girl. Once I know I'm in I loosen up and try and have fun with her. Relationships will never reach their full potential unless both parties are having the time of their lives.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Balancing the Power in a Relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Swagman View Post
    Gray's wife had just given birth, she tore, and now she is in an agonizing amount of pain. This has carried over to Gray himself, and her attitude has driven him through the roof. Eventually, the two blow up into an argument, and just as he is storming out of the room, she finally tells him:

    "I'm in pain. Please don't leave me."

    It is at this moment that Dr. Gray comes to a higher understanding of the mechanics of a relationship. All of a sudden, he begins to understand the problems his wife is going through. She wasn't being a bitch because she is a bitch. She was in a bad mood because she is in agony.
    Swagman,

    Let me say that I really enjoy your input on this site and that you are a one of the posters that I enjoy reading.

    Having said that I disagree with you on this particular post.

    "She wasn't being a bitch to be just a bitch?" OK this quote irks me quite a bit. Is John Gray supposed to be a mind reader? She was being a bitch the whole time without bothering to tell him what was REALLY bothering her.

    John Gray wasn't beating her, he is a man that can communicate so why was she being bitchy for no other reason than just to be bitchy without TELLING him?

    Communication is a two way street. She fought with him. Why couldn't she say she was in pain and that's why she is being irritable?

    It's only when John Gray got a set of balls to walk out did she tell him the truth and begged him to stay.

    Women test guys like this in a relationship all of the time.

    When a girl is upset I recommend that you talk things out.

    If she won't talk, communicate, resolve and she only becomes bitchier and bitchier where you are being called names,abused, you have only one option which is to do to the same when communication is not working.

    That option is to stand up for yourself. Women RESPECT a man who will do that. When John Gray was ready to walk out on the "bitch" it's only then did she respect him. Prior to that she threw everything at him including the kitchen sink.

    A relationship is 50/50. The minute it gets radically tilted it is the beginning of the end.

    When John Gray saw that it was tilted he was about to walk out. It's only then when she gave in to say that she needed him, Only then did the relationship begin to balance out.

    I am not advocating being abusive, belligerent or in any way treating a girl with less than full respect. What I am saying is if a female is being bitchy without telling you why she is being bitchy even though you have asked her what is bothering her. Then you have every right to get angry , be verbal in your response and show that you are upset by her actions.

    What John Gray's wife was doing was a big sh!t test in the relationship. She was bitching, bitching, bitching and more bitching until he couldn't take it anymore so he decided to walk.

    It's ONLY then did she realize she went too far and TOLD him the TRUTH. Prior to that it was all a sh!t test.

    Women sh!t test you all the time. Friends, dating, married it's all the same. If you keep accommodating her/ give in at every chance when you chat or communicate it is the beginning of the end. Keep the relationship at 50/50. Women don't like or respect pushovers and nor do they like abusive guys. 50/50 or fairly close to that and the relationship and the marriage will work really well.

    I resent being told that I as a guy should take everything in terms of crap a woman throws at me even though I make a full effort to resolve all issues by talking it out.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Balancing the Power in a Relationship

    dave_xxx, you are trying to understand things from a mans perspective. Women do not know why they do things. I keep putting this on the forum that women are emotional beings. They are complicated as fark. And they will randomly do shit to test themselves and the men that they are with. Men on the other hand is a two way street, so we are ultra predictable and understandable.

    So the the point Swag and book writer is trying to say is that as men we have to be like the Spartans in the movie 300. Despite the crap you going to go through with her you have to aim for the positive all the time. You are the conductor of the train you call a relationship. You have to be her pillar, her rod and her staff. Thats your duty as a man dude. Whether you like it or not thats the cards you are dealt.
    ------------------------------------

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Balancing the Power in a Relationship

    Topgunningit,

    I know that women are complicated creatures. As you said that a LOT of time they don't even know what they are thinking.

    It's only when they face the reality that they could lose the stability of a relationship because of their behavior will they understand.

    I agree that a guy should do everything in his power to communicate and find out how to smooth things out. But as you say if they don't know what they want then how is a guy to know what they want?

    If you want a relationship to end give the girl everything she wants. It won't last very long.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Balancing the Power in a Relationship

    I agree with you 100% dave, I wish it was a bed of roses or a cat walk. When I was in my early teens I asked myself the same things.

    But dont stress dude. As captain Kirk of the starship enterprise would say, "I never lose I always find a way to win". Stay charlie sheen winning and dont let the BS get to you, you are stronger than that mate .

    Quote Originally Posted by dave_xxx View Post
    Topgunningit,

    I know that women are complicated creatures. As you said that a LOT of time they don't even know what they are thinking.

    It's only when they face the reality that they could lose the stability of a relationship because of their behavior will they understand.

    I agree that a guy should do everything in his power to communicate and find out how to smooth things out. But as you say if they don't know what they want then how is a guy to know what they want?

    If you want a relationship to end give the girl everything she wants. It won't last very long.
    ------------------------------------

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Balancing the Power in a Relationship

    I agree with you 100% dave, I wish it was a bed of roses or a cat walk. When I was in my early teens I asked myself the same things.

    But dont stress dude. As captain Kirk of the starship enterprise would say, "I never lose I always find a way to win". Stay charlie sheen winning and dont let the BS get to you, you are stronger than that mate .

    Quote Originally Posted by dave_xxx View Post
    Topgunningit,

    I know that women are complicated creatures. As you said that a LOT of time they don't even know what they are thinking.

    It's only when they face the reality that they could lose the stability of a relationship because of their behavior will they understand.

    I agree that a guy should do everything in his power to communicate and find out how to smooth things out. But as you say if they don't know what they want then how is a guy to know what they want?

    If you want a relationship to end give the girl everything she wants. It won't last very long.
    ------------------------------------

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Balancing the Power in a Relationship

    As my mother once told me, relationships are hard. It's not something where you don't have to put any effort into it at all and it will last forever. It requires a ton of work. It's easy to let all the power rest on one side. If you control all the power, the woman isn't happy. If you do everything the woman wants, you are not happy. As topgunningit implies, it's really not easy.

    Dave and gunnit, you both mentioned about the girl not knowing what she wanted. I can say I have had those moments myself. From time to time, I still have those moments where I do something or I want something, and I have no idea why I did it or what I even want out of it. It isn't until after hours of thinking that I come upon an understanding. However, there are times where by talking to someone, I come upon a greater understanding of the things I do.

    The road in life and of what we want cannot be traversed alone. Sometimes, we need a helping hand in order to figure out what we want. We are often quick to turn away the hand that slaps us, and instead turn to the hand that reaches out to ours. Here's an interesting way of thinking about it:

    This forum.

    Do you think any of us would get anywhere by yelling and tearing at each other, trying to prove who is the best? Do you think we would want to participate and be a part of this forum if it was a slugfest? Would you agree that through peaceful discourse and coming to an understanding of what we want, the members of this forum can actually help you to learn more than if you were getting chewed out by, say, yourself?

    Take a step back, and also look at it like this: If you see a couple where the two are screaming at each other over their problems, and you see a couple where they help each other to figure out what they want and what would be best for the relationship, who do you think has the better relationship?
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X


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