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  • 2 Post By dave_xxx
  • 1 Post By HardRock

Thread: girl had a bf and didnt tell me

  1. #1
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default girl had a bf and didnt tell me

    so ive been dating (i thought exclusively) with a girl for almost five months. we met in feb although it was a little while before we termed it a relationship. turns out she has a boyfriend for three years in another country. (I live in Colombia, the other dude lives in Italy). Apparently they have plans to get married and who knows what else, he's promised her a better standard of living and everything, she finally came clean about it all. I told her that I was willing to forgive her but that the she had to say she would leave him and do it and then things which she had been hesitant about (like facebook pictures together, introducing me to her family, etc) had to change. none of that stuff bothered me that much but i see them as essential to rebuilding trust.

    note that she actually hasnt seen the guy since we've been together. I feel used a good bit although she did say she loved me and it wasnt like that (and I do believe her although she was clearly getting satisfaction she was missing). I basically told her you can decide to be with me right now and end it with him. she says she wants to but is too scared to lose out on all those things they have planned. i told her i couldnt promise her anything (now granted im from the states so while I dont know what this guy has or has offered, if hes a real baller or not, I mean i can offer opportunities if it makes it there). she left and I told her the only way she enters my life again is to show me she ended it with this guy.

    is there any point in even trying even if she does that? i care about her a lot and was almost shocked beyond the ability to be pissed when she told me. i was clear that the first condition to even consider continuing was to end it with him and then it would be a process and one where i couldnt promise anything in rebuilding trust and possibly having the potential for a future.

  2. #2
    dave_xxx's Avatar
    dave_xxx is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: girl had a bf and didnt tell me

    Run, run fast, run away from her. She did that to a guy she loved and was planning to marry.

    Don't be the next sucker she is involved with. She WILL cheat on you and leave you for the next, better guy that comes along.

    Take you lumps now, they will feel minor compared to the lumps you would have taken later on in life if you married this girl.

  3. #3
    HardRock is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: girl had a bf and didnt tell me

    is there any point in even trying even if she does that? i care about her a lot and was almost shocked beyond the ability to be pissed when she told me. i was clear that the first condition to even consider continuing was to end it with him and then it would be a process and one where i couldnt promise anything in rebuilding trust and possibly having the potential for a future.
    I agree with dav on the run away part why not take the material with so you can start sarging girls.you seem to be afraid of loosing your 5 months of investment but the things is if you are so good at this why don't you look at someone else.sometimes we put labels on girls like love of my life etc. which is not bad but when they feel like they haven't earned it

    Your statement about her dropping the other guy is kinda of off.i mean are you trying to tell her you think you are better than the other or you are the best for her.this will come off as being a bit controlling which will lead to statements she made.this one is being polite but in the future lets not stick to ultimatums.See her as something that you worked with on this aspect of your life and move on.sure the guy might end up wining or maybe not but the only way out of this seems to me is going ahead with your life and focusing on more on this.Attraction

  4. #4
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    Default Re: girl had a bf and didnt tell me

    WHOA!! Tread carefully my friend. She is an attention seeker of the highest class, and will happily go after the next "interesting" guy. Step back and soak in what just happened. She has a boyfriend of 3 years whom you never knew about. What else could she potentially be hiding? Clearly that guy has no idea who you are either. She's playing the both of you. Retreat and let her chase you. If she truly want's something, enough time has passed where she'll make a sincere effort to chase. Tread very carefully, and if left up to me, I would say forget about her. You don't deserve to put your all into something only to find out your partner is 50/50.

  5. #5
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: girl had a bf and didnt tell me

    well....she showed back up waiting for me after work the next night and told me that she felt terrible all day and that she was willing to end it with the other guy. I was pretty brutally honest with her that theres a lot of doubts and questions in my head. I have my insecurities to be sure and there were the issues of our relationship being a little too hidden I felt like before and that finally taking a toll on me to the point where I demanded some explanation that ultimately brought all this out. but for the most part i work to be trusting and that's what's most damning about this.

    sh1ts confusing. there's still a lot of holes in the story. i mean even the way she talked about this other guy, didnt sound like a love relationship. She used the word compromise (committment in spanish) to describe it and that there were "proyectos" (projects) planned. is it unreasonable for me to want more details of this? i feel like i need them to help understand. i mean for a guy who's been with her 3 years and has all these supposed resources and promised her all this stuff it's truly bizarre that she's still here working for 200 dollars a month, sleeping in the same room as her mom at 26. (Colombia is very much still the third world at least for the not upper class).

    as things stand now she's got to end it with this person and deal with the consequences of possibly upsetting her family, etc. then we have to lay out a way to be sure the future is based on a better foundation. i have my doubts about my ability to move completely past this and learning more details may alleviate those or strengthen them, im not sure. just some really crazy crazy stuff, not in a million years would i have guessed.

    have i completely gone nuts? i do believe she's been sincere about realizing she screwed up and the fact that she's willing to sacrifice a lot certainly means something, but frankly it all scares me a bit.

  6. #6
    HardRock is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: girl had a bf and didnt tell me

    Hey man it must be hard for you but look at it this way.she hid it for 3 years.you are currently in a state of denial which is kinda normal because you can't seem to wrap your mind around this.
    Let say this even though this was a huge investment didn't really pun out to return much to you.Like anyone could do take slow steps to move on.
    talk to others girls bits.Stop blaming yourself it was not your fault.
    I assume this is the first.you can't blow her out totally but gradually you can.
    another thing you can do is tell her you don't like standing in the way off people.slip it in conversation and distant yourself from her.
    don't elaborate or explain yourself trust me she will get it.

  7. #7
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: girl had a bf and didnt tell me

    hardrock, she's not at all my first nor did it go on for 3 years. she has supposedly been with the other guy for 3 years, we've known each other for less than 5 months.

    and i think in some ways you're right i may be in a state of denial, but i don't blame myself. my intentions have been well, very good. i would have never pursued her had i known her true situation. where we stand now is that nothing can continue between us until she truly is available and that there are no promises for the future. There's also still a lot of questions in my head. the whole thing is just overwhelming, I mean I really need to understand this other relationship and really what it means or meant. Her explanation was she had a "compromise" (spanish for commitment) and she seemed more scared of the consequences in regards to her family's reaction than losing this other person. i believe she hasn't seen him since we've been together because we've been together basically every weekend for the past 5 months. I also know that this other relationship has been a long distance one for a while as she spent a year abroad without this person and that was a couple years ago. all very confusing and things about it are things i need clarified as difficult as they may be to talk about for her and quite possibly for me to hear. ive been back and forth on trying to see her to get that story explained or continuing to wait until she goes through with everything before seeing her again. I think the comment about her having to pursue me is absolutely correct. I think lilsting you are dead on about a lot in your post.

    I don't know, trust me I've been back and forth and totally unsure of myself in this. at first i accepted this as being over but her saying she's wiling to end things completely with this other person does mean a lot. in both cases we would both be taking huge leaps and risks. really in a lot of ways she has control right now as she has to end this other relationship and go through with all the difficult things that entails before we can see each other again, ive been very clear on that and really don't know what else I can do in respect to it.

  8. #8
    HardRock is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: girl had a bf and didnt tell me

    Hmm focus more on attraction looks like you stopped amplifying halfway.looking ahead should also be another option.


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