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  1. #11
    NewMan23 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Terrible at group dynamics

    Hi Guys,

    more updates.

    So I had my shot and I took it, said I wanted to bring her overseas, and to hell with everyone else.

    She waits a few hours, then says she decided to go on the road trip after all.

    Now unless what she said while drunk was all a lie, i KNOW that isnt true, and again I knowshe's under pressure from somewhere. She never denies the fact that I know how she feels either.

    So here's where I went somewhat AFC, I tell her she needs to think for herself and what makes her happy, probably went too strong as I promised her I would get her overseas.

    She starts getting a little pissed (because I'm pretty insistent) and I back off. Nothing since then except I'm back to the starting line and having to organize the road trip again.

    On 1 hand I feel I broke my 'cool' a bit, on the other I guess I showed that I'm not afraid of conflict and have the balls to do what's right.

    We usually meet up a couple of times a week, but due to this development I feel like i need to give it a rest and approach again only towards the weekend.

    Thoughts guys?

  2. #12
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    TheDuke is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Terrible at group dynamics

    Epic shit test and you failed. This all happened because everything you have done so far has been AFC. As I said earlier, this whole thread reads like a case of "I'm not getting my way so I'm taking my ball and going home."

    You said yourself that the roadtrip was your idea. By planning it out and then stating you wanted to do something else you telegraphed that you're a flake and unreliable. Of course there's pressure for her to go on the roadtrip--it's called having the decency to be reliable.

    Now you've really put yourself in a bind because no matter what you do you're going to look like an AFC. You telegraphed that you're not interested in the roadtrip and that you want to go overseas, she has shot you down and now you're likely just go to supplicate to those demands. You're following her around like a good little puppy now.

    There's no good in. No silver lining. You didn't show you're not afraid of conflict, you just made it clear that when things don't go your way instead of dealing with them like a man you're going to create conflict. And what do you mean "the balls to do what's right"? It's not like you took some morally higher ground here, you just decided you wanted to pull out of the plans you initiated.

    It's hilarious when people come on the internet looking for advice but only listen to the advice that jives with what they want to hear. You weren't looking for advice, you were looking for an ego stroke.

    I don't even know where to tell you to go from here. You took a small issue and created a whole bunch of drama for no reason. You're going to likely have to supplicate now, because there really isn't any other move left. So I guess I'd say you should try and get control of the roadtrip like I originally said, but even that's going to be harder now because you've tried to back out, so it's no longer really "your plan."

    Good luck.
    "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

  3. #13
    HardRock is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Terrible at group dynamics

    Due to what currently persists one may not attempt the road trip.stick to your guns.this girl got drunk and was saying she wanted on you previously.if she is on that trip then you could move on.then possibly engage later

  4. #14
    NewMan23 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Terrible at group dynamics

    Hi Guys,

    You're right on all counts. Probably an epic shit test.

    On 1 hand Iím wondering why the hell didnít I escalate further when she was drunk (which was tough to do morally, sheís drunk!). On the other I kind of feel Iíve broken my state.

    Yes, probably left with no moves other than to go with the trip, it actually wasnít my idea originally, the girls just kept harping on it at the start when we first knew one another and I said yes.

    I was out again with the RoomMate on Wed and we talked about the trip a bit, since we have 2 cars she says its fine if the guy brings her friend out for touring as the friendís never been to the place before, while me and her go somewhere else. Also discussed briefly on what happened and she knows I wanted to go overseas because of what she said when drunk (yes, AFC all the way). Left it at that.

    Supposed to be out with her tomorrow again however I HAVE had 1 unreturned SMS since yesterday (just a question to ask if she is afraid of falling, I suggested ice skating). I havenít chased after this at all as Iím cool with it (and Iím busy today anyways).

    If I see her tomorrow (or next week before the trip, the road trip is on for next weekend) what is the state I should bring? Aloof? Try to escalate to build up to the roadtrip when we can be alone? Or not go on any more dates at all before the trip?

    My gut says there was an escalation window lost and because of that, her interest has probably tapered a bit, otherwise I wouldnít be getting an unreturned SMS. How to turn it around?

  5. #15
    HardRock is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Terrible at group dynamics

    You MAY cancel the trip and find a good excuse.
    rem how she said the she knew that you wanted to go overseas becos..
    Seems she slipped in another Sh1t Test.

    Hey, even though i had wanted to go on the trip initially i decided that its not best because of some reasons.therefore am postponing it/ opting out of it for now.there will be other times to go on that, but not at the moment.however you may go.

    Hits points since it communicates that you are going with your guts and standing ground cause she might also have noticed you didn't want to go on the trip.

  6. #16
    Essential17 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Terrible at group dynamics

    Quote Originally Posted by TheDuke View Post
    Epic Sh1t Test and you failed. This all happened because everything you have done so far has been AFC. As I said earlier, this whole thread reads like a case of "I'm not getting my way so I'm taking my ball and going home."

    You said yourself that the roadtrip was your idea. By planning it out and then stating you wanted to do something else you telegraphed that you're a flake and unreliable. Of course there's pressure for her to go on the roadtrip--it's called having the decency to be reliable.

    Now you've really put yourself in a bind because no matter what you do you're going to look like an AFC. You telegraphed that you're not interested in the roadtrip and that you want to go overseas, she has shot you down and now you're likely just go to supplicate to those demands. You're following her around like a good little puppy now.

    There's no good in. No silver lining. You didn't show you're not afraid of conflict, you just made it clear that when things don't go your way instead of dealing with them like a man you're going to create conflict. And what do you mean "the balls to do what's right"? It's not like you took some morally higher ground here, you just decided you wanted to pull out of the plans you initiated.

    It's hilarious when people come on the internet looking for advice but only listen to the advice that jives with what they want to hear. You weren't looking for advice, you were looking for an ego stroke.

    I don't even know where to tell you to go from here. You took a small issue and created a whole bunch of drama for no reason. You're going to likely have to supplicate now, because there really isn't any other move left. So I guess I'd say you should try and get control of the roadtrip like I originally said, but even that's going to be harder now because you've tried to back out, so it's no longer really "your plan."

    Good luck.
    Usually I respect the advice you give around here but what did your post here contribute other than an "I told you so"? It also is irrelevant because you haven't been listening to what OP's been saying. He doesn't want to go on the road trip with this douche (I don't blame him), and the stakes changed with the roommate girl after the night she got drunk and said she didn't want to take the road trip.

    Quote Originally Posted by NewMan23 View Post
    On 1 hand I’m wondering why the hell didn’t I escalate further when she was drunk (which was tough to do morally, she’s drunk!).
    Don't question yourself because of what others are saying, you did the right thing in not sleeping with her in that state. You can get her there again, under better circumstances.

    The biggest mistake you've made so far is "promising her" the overseas trip. At best you should've given her a "we'll see". It sounds to me like you genuinely don't want to go on this road trip and are doing it in part because roommate girl is going, and out of obligation. Don't go on the road trip unless you can turn it into something you'll enjoy. Just tell everyone that something came up in your busy, busy life and you won't be able to make it, but you hope they have a great time.

    As for roommate girl, I may completely wrong here, and correct me if I am, but I fear you're either in, or dangerously close to, the friendzone. It seems like she has a stronger frame, and that you have put her on a pedestal and consider her needs as coming first. No, you do not take her on this overseas trip. What has she done to earn that? It's not your wedding anniversary. How have you guys been dating this long and you have not made a move on her? Take her ice skating, take her rock climbing, dude, take her anywhere you want, but you gotta Kino her and kiss her!

  7. #17
    NewMan23 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Terrible at group dynamics

    Hi guys,

    I know I might have made some monumental mistakes with said roommate, as there were more developments after that.

    I find out during the roadtrip that she has a BOYFRIEND. I hung out on the trip and didn't try anything out of the ordinary, but nearly lost my cool right after the trip due to disappointment.

    FAst forward a couple of weeks. Many more dates since then as I refused to let the bf fact shake me, and I know she's being having many arguments with said bf and was actually thinking of returning to her home country (she's foreign) I don't assume to know the facts, and I don't ask either.

    Remember the overseas trip we spoke of previously? She comes and asks me whether I want to go. I say yes in spite of myself, get everything organized in the next couple of days, and we are off (just me and her) to a beach resort for 3 days. Plus I asked her and she wants to share a room with me (double beds).

    My head's spinning as I've never been on a one on one holiday with a girl who's not been a gf, plus in the same room. Now this could go a few ways in my opinion:

    1) Nothing happens. We go and come back as friends. In which case I don't even know why I'm going.

    2) We hook up, and its all a big secret.

    3) She's doing it to spite her bf somehow, and I'm just a convenient scapegoat.

    What I don't get is, why the hell is she going when she knows its going to cause a bigger rift between her and the bf, whats more in the same room? Plus she knows we have some spark somewhere?

    So here I am on the eve of the holiday in which I could mess it up big time, or take the opportunity to move it to the next level, no matter what or where the bf does or is.

    Opinions guys?

  8. #18
    Essential17 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Terrible at group dynamics

    UmÖ I said this in my last post but I need to ask it again: Are you sure you're not in the Friendzone?

    There's nothing wrong with it, we've all been in the Friendzone at one point, but it sucks and you need to recognize when you are.

    If you feel you may be in the Friendzone, you can try to move it into a relationship by escalating physically with her and using Kino, or just go and find another girl. If you're on her hook, she's not letting you off until she wants to, and you need to reverse the situation and put yourself in control. Good luck!

  9. #19
    HardRock is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Terrible at group dynamics

    If you must do anything have evidence.make sure you ask her if she is ready before you put..and have a phone recording via audio at least.if you can have a visual too.eithers its best to cut vacation short..if you may


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