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Thread: She had a FOURSOME while we are dating

  1. #1
    dboiipdx is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default She had a FOURSOME while we are dating

    I've been dating a girl for about a month. Things are going well, there's a lot of mutual attraction and we have common interests and we enjoy each other's company aside from sex.

    This past weekend I met up with her for a coffee. She seemed off and distant, and I thought she was just hungover. At one point she says she hasn't been 'mutually exclusive' and in fact had had a foursome the previous night.

    In my quest to become better at attracting women and managing relationships, I have learned a lot. Some of it has become programmed into my system. Some of it is much more logic based, where I need to override my emotions and default responses with controlling my behaviors and thoughts.

    In this situation, I had to tap into my 'logic-based' understanding of relationship management. I have adopted a frame where I want the women I'm with to feel comfortable with their sexuality and I want to be able to handle their sexuality. I handled the situation well, knowing that since we haven't established any boundaries at this point, she did not violate trust. It is important that a women respects me, and I felt that by being brutally honest with me was a gesture of respect. We talked things out, and I did not allow myself to make her feel slutty or that she betrayed me (which I honestly believe).

    My only issues now are that I lack clarity on whether I am being a high value male by the way I am handling her sexuality, or whether I am being a low value male by letting her have it off too easy. I have continued to hang out with her, and have treated her with warmth and respect.

    I guess I worry that I am not giving her enough of a 'cold shoulder', so to speak. She may WANT to feel like she needs to EARN my respect and my d1ck, but perhaps I am letting her have those things too easily. I'm lacking clarity because I'm acting congruent with how I feel and want to treat her, but there's always a dynamic between being real and playing the game.

    I just wanted to put this out there and see responses.

  2. #2
    Lazarus is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: She had a FOURSOME while we are dating

    When you said "and I did not allow myself to make her feel slutty or that she betrayed me (which I honestly believe)", I'm not sure if you're saying you do believe she betrayed you or if you're saying you don't believe she betrayed you.

    So I'd say, if you're genuinely okay with what she did, then your response is fine and rock on. But, if you're not okay with what she did (and feel betrayed), but you're pretending to be okay with it for "game" reasons...Problem.

  3. #3
    nik's Avatar
    nik
    nik is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: She had a FOURSOME while we are dating

    Personally, I would need some details of the foursome. If it was her and three chicks, I'd be pissed I wasn't involved. If it was her getting railed by three dudes, I would be pissed I had to throw all her stuff on the lawn, by myself.

    Any other combination and you have to decide what you think is acceptable. Game be damned. What you do now sets the precedent of what your relationship will be like in the future, however short.

    If you're not in an open relationship, and she consented to the sex, you have to decide if she's worth it.
    I have failed more than most men have tried.

    Every woman you pass up is a woman you will never have.

  4. #4
    dboiipdx is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: She had a FOURSOME while we are dating

    Thanks guys. My issue isn't really with the foursome, it's more about HER psychology after the foursome. I should have emphasized that It was a very new, very emotional, very challenging experience for her and I hold nothing against her for experimenting (I probably would have done the same).

    I'm mainly looking for thoughts regarding her psychology and whether I'm exhibiting HVM behaviors or LVM behaviors. I have no jealousy or insecurities about it so I have no emotions coming from that frame. I do worry that I'm coddling her too much by viewing her like a friend who is recovering from an intense emotional experience rather than treating her like a girl who needs to respect me more and should not feel like she can continuously get away with stuff without repercussions.

    I guess to be more simplistic, I'm not clear in whether my behaviors are those of leading or those of reacting and catering.

  5. #5
    TheDuke's Avatar
    TheDuke is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: She had a FOURSOME while we are dating

    It all depends on your frame. That's the only answer.
    "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

  6. #6
    Essential17 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: She had a FOURSOME while we are dating

    You did the right thing. Regardless of how it made you feel, you did the selfless act and didn't make her feel guilty or bad for what she did, you simply wanted to understand it more. Which is what the greatest partners and parents will do.

    It showed strong alpha qualities and earned you respect from her, even if it didn't immediately show.

    There's a saying that if you want a girl to cheat on you, tell her she must stay faithful. If you want a girl to stay faithful, encourage her to date other people.

  7. #7
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    DirtyOnPurpose is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: She had a FOURSOME while we are dating

    Man this can be taken back to a very primitive and early game theory in my opinion.
    When she farks with you, regardless of what it was that she did, there's two things you need to know to display high value as a male, you only did one of them.
    1) Show her that it doesn't affect you at all. Which you did.
    2) Punish her lightly so that she knows you're no one to fark with. That you didn't do.

  8. #8
    Blistex is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: She had a FOURSOME while we are dating

    To me it's cool the way you handled it, you are much nicer than me. You did a good job of not letting it affect you, but at some point you need to stay true to yourself man.
    KISS - Keep it Stupid Simple

  9. #9
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    kasparonii is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: She had a FOURSOME while we are dating

    You're asking for opinions. Here is mine.

    She's far from treating you as a high-value, not only for having the foursome (presumed at least one guy there), but even more for letting you know it.

    You can do whatever you think fine now, but she will never see you as a high-value and you'll always be seen as a weak guy that is on her terms.

    However liberal you both can be (but this must be assumed mutually and at a much later step of a relationship), she ignored you and let you know.

    Imagine that you're watching a movie of a natural guy dating a girl like this. How do you imagine he would react? I think he might say something like " I won't slap your face because I know you'd feel pleasure", not something like "Oh, I have just falled in love with you, you can always count on me after your foursomes".
    Last edited by kasparonii; 10-27-2013 at 06:46 AM. Reason: Complete.

  10. #10
    Nikee is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: She had a FOURSOME while we are dating

    I have adopted a frame where I want the women I'm with to feel comfortable with their sexuality and I want to be able to handle their sexuality. [B]I handled the situation well, knowing that since we haven't established any boundaries at this point,[B] she did not violate trust. It is important that a women respects me, and I felt that by being brutally honest with me was a gesture of respect. We talked things out.
    You like brutal honesty, here is one for you
    To the hell with the game, and all that frame shiit you're talking about, because at the end of the day like Blistex put it you gotta stay true to yourself man. When everything settle down you got to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know that you didn't let yourself down trying to become somebody else.

    A leader ain't afraid to say what he likes or dislike and doesn't need to reach into a "logic-based" data bank to produce an idea of what he think about something. The game is meant to be incorporated into your personality and make it better not make you a puppet.

    You said you ain't mad because you haven't set any boundaries yet, but rather would just like to understand tht girl psychology? Well let me ask you this, when did you plan on setting boundaries? Also I'm very curious in understanding your psychology, how can you understand her sexuality when she experiencing it with other people?
    Nikee --Just did it--


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