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Thread: Should I tell her that i slept with someone else?

  1. #1
    dboiipdx is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Should I tell her that i slept with someone else?

    I've been dating a girl for a month. I'm genuinely interested in her on a more than casual level.

    Last week, she admitted to me that she had slept with someone else. I didn't hold it against her and I thought it was cool that she told me, as it's a sign that she is invested in me as well and wants things to go well. We resolved the situation and had a mutual understanding about not having overblown expectations. I honestly handled the situation very well.

    But since then, I've started to enter the realm of scarcity Mindset where I have this uncomfortable anxiety about where things are going next. And I keep feeling that I need to establish leadership in the relationship, and show her that I am not dependent on her for my emotional well-being.

    We were supposed to hang out but she bailed because she was sick. I ended up hanging out with a girl that I am friends with and had been sleeping with prior to my new relationship. I intended NOT to sleep with her. But we had a few drinks and I found myself wanting to have sex. So I indulged.

    I'm having a debate.

    First off, do I owe my new girl the truth since she was so honest with me?

    And second, building off my first question, if I do tell her I feel that it should be from the right frame.

    Not :'I slept with someone else but do you still like me?'

    but more like: 'I slept with someone else, I have no guilt about it. I want to see where things go with you and invest more into this, but if you don't feel that same way, i think we should discontinue it'

    So I guess my debate is do I even tell her at all and continue to see where things head?

    Or, do I tell her, and do so in a way that shows that I have other options and that I'm willing to walk away if she isn't willing to invest more?

  2. #2
    Essential17 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Should I tell her that i slept with someone else?

    What was the outcome after you guys discussed her sleeping with someone else; do you guys have an open relationship or an exclusive one?

    Because if the conclusion was that you guys are in an open relationship, it should be fine when you tell her because it's what you guys have established as okay.

    If the decision was that you guys are in an exclusive relationship, then you cheated on her and either have to stop seeing her or stop sleeping with other women.

    Third option, if you guys didn't actually have this discussion, then now is that time.

    Any of these outcomes will have the benefit of helping you determine what she's looking for in her relationship with you. Whatever you do, you should tell her what happened. It's the human thing to do.

  3. #3
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    happyg05 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Should I tell her that i slept with someone else?

    Mm.. i think no, u should not tell her. Yeah she was honest with you, but she also did it. So obviously she doesnt see this relationship as exclusive. If u want her officially then u need to let her know how u feel, and see if she will stop having sex with other guys. But i would not tell her, because we women NEVER forget that kind of things, and may even backfire on u in the long run. Good luck!
    HaPpYGo5

  4. #4
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    cdharders is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Should I tell her that i slept with someone else?

    Quote Originally Posted by happyg05 View Post
    Mm.. i think no, u should not tell her. Yeah she was honest with you, but she also did it. So obviously she doesnt see this relationship as exclusive. If u want her officially then u need to let her know how u feel, and see if she will stop having sex with other guys. But i would not tell her, because we women NEVER forget that kind of things, and may even backfire on u in the long run. Good luck!
    Completely agree. And really cool to hear an actual female opinion, lol.

    There's no good in telling her you slept with another girl. You do not owe her to know your whole sexual life, unless you choose to be completely exclusive. If she finds out on her own, no worries. Tell her it was an open relationship and you didn't see the need to let her know. If she freaks out, just ignore it as if it's not a big deal, and that too will pass.

    Good luck

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Should I tell her that i slept with someone else?

    No hell, its really not her business imo, I must go with cdharders and happyg, its gonna cost you more in the long run, women can be up front like that because YOU are at lost when they feel like confessing, meaning she told you and could potentially feel like the balls still in her court either way. Something similar happen to me in the past, I actually found out by accident and her being careless, told her, she admitted to it so I told her I wasnt mad because I too had done so and we could work it out...months later it was the most terrible thing that happened to her and I ruined her life, but her infraction mattered not because apparently I was the man who's supposed to have more control, WTF? needless to say it didn't last.
    You can't miss something you've never had, but I can be sure she will regret her opportunity...

    Better known as Debauchivalrious...

  6. #6
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    kasparonii is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Should I tell her that i slept with someone else?

    Quote Originally Posted by D1v1ou$$ View Post
    No hell, its really not her business imo, I must go with cdharders and happyg, its gonna cost you more in the long run, women can be up front like that because YOU are at lost when they feel like confessing, meaning she told you and could potentially feel like the balls still in her court either way. Something similar happen to me in the past, I actually found out by accident and her being careless, told her, she admitted to it so I told her I wasnt mad because I too had done so and we could work it out...months later it was the most terrible thing that happened to her and I ruined her life, but her infraction mattered not because apparently I was the man who's supposed to have more control, WTF? needless to say it didn't last.
    I fully agree. I don't really know what she's thinking about to tell you that (she could have omitted it period).

    Whatever she thinks, she surprised you anyway and is challenging your male role.

    You must not tell her you slept with another woman, because she'll know you're simply reacting.

    I think this is a bad beginning and you must search for another girl for dating and hope it'll run better.

    How you should do it to her? The way they do it to us, simply stop everything, no explanations whatsoever...

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Should I tell her that i slept with someone else?

    I'm the minority and suggest that you do tell her. This relationship is off to a really shitty start, and I don't see it being healthy for either one of you unless you're completely open from this point forward. It's been a month and you've both cheated on each other, wtf. Have some fucking morals and self control. Don't you dare come back here and say you're in an exclusive relationship with her after faltering at a moment's notice. Sure we all make mistakes, but clearly the two of you aren't ready for an exclusive relationship. You guys need to break up with each other and work out your own issues first. When you're in a place where you can ACTUALLY commit, then go about a relationship.

    Only a fool builds his house on the sand.

    Now, I may sound like I'm pissed off, but I hate how people shit all over "exclusive relationships." If you have balls to say you're only focusing on one girl, have the fucking balls to follow through.

  8. #8
    kasparonii's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should I tell her that i slept with someone else?

    I like lilsting opinion even if I don't think that way completely.


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