So, I screwed up. I let some unhappiness and stress in addition to some things that I wasn't totally happy with with my gf get the best of me. the weekend before last, she spent the night sunday, and told me she was thinking about moving and it sent me off the deep end a bit because we were in bed and I wanted to talk about it and she didn't. It was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back in stress for me and I couldn't sleep got really frustrated and acted pitiful. Got to the point where I was so pissed at myself, at the thought of going to work that I in frustration hit the mattress. she freaked a bit and has told me after that she was scared of me.
a week later, it was clear things weren't right, I brought up some things I wasn't totally happy with and while I didn't hit anything I still reacted badly to some things. she basically told me we were over and left with me begging her to stay. i acted pretty desperate I'm not a violent person, I think the most harm I've ever done is one time I punched a tree and bloodied my own hand when I was a teenager. I can have a temper though.
I felt like she has acted a little unfair in that she asked me to buy some tickets online for her (I live in colombia and most people don't have a credit or debit card). I kind of felt like, well you don't want to talk but you are fine asking for a favor. when she came over to do it, I apologized to her and said that in no way was she responsible for my frustrations at work, and that I wanted her to recognize that I let stress get the best of me and reiterated that I would never ever hit her. She herself acknowledged that she didn't think I was acting like the same person. I also took full responsibility for my actions and the very possible consequence that I had lost her forever. I dont' want to go into it, but our relationship has had its complications. She didn't deserve me acting like that, and while I felt like she wasn't listening and recognizing things about me, the truth is I wasn't either. I told her very sincerely that I recognized that and that I would do my best to not act like that again. She said that she still needs some space right now and I told her I would respect that. (She's also not so happy with her work situation. The truth is we are both in our mid-20s and not feeling totally sure about what the heck we are going to do with our lives).
That was long. I guess my ultimate question is, how to both show that I recognize my own mistakes and demonstrate that I will change them as I am the one that has control over my own reactions and way of handling things, while also not just being available especially since we are sort of broken up? I've said that I still love her and she hasnt' said it back. I did notice that she still has a picture of us as her background on her phone, which I take as a positive. She did say she was sick of us fighting and that she didn't want to continue the relationship for now.
I feel like I need to walk a fine line between showing that I recognize my mistake and want to do everything I can to make it up to her but not being desperate, Im going home Tuesday for about 3 weeks so regardless we are going to have some time apart. I wouldnt have liked for that to start on a bad note. In many ways it'll be good for me to see my family and friends and get out of the routine for a while as well as have some time for reflection and without the ability to be in touch constantly. I feel like this could work very much in my favor as I will be away.
Is it worth trying to define things between us? I feel like its a very big difference between I'm upset and need some time apart and I need some time to figure out if I want to be with you especially given that we won't be able to see each other for several weeks. I don't want to pressure her in any way, but it also can't be that I'm sitting around as an option while she figures out what she wants. It's tough because I want to be with her and want to fix things, but the reality is she has to want the same, and there's no convincing if she doesn't.
So how do I both show I'm conscious of my jerkness, respect her request for space, and make her miss me and conscious of what she could lose?