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Thread: LTR girlfriend unsure of us *coming over in the morning-could use advice*

  1. #1
    JustStartingOut is offline PUA in Training
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    Exclamation LTR girlfriend unsure of us *coming over in the morning-could use advice*

    My girlfriend of over two years says she needs time to figure out if she still wants to be in a relationship with me. The past two weeks have been rocky and I've suggested that a lot of the negative energy is the reason for her feeling this way, Since she says that I haven't been doing anything wrong, I have been a little AFC(clingy,needy,etc ). She claims she doesn't know why she feels this way. She said to me she wants things to be like how they used to be, exciting, genuinely happy. She said she doesn't really feel excited anymore and she is unsure of what she wants. I suggested I take time away and give her space but she was very sure she didn't want space but to be with me and spend time with me. She said she just needed time to figure it out.

    I don't understand what to do? She doesn't want space but needs time. How do I approach this? She said she really loves me and I'm her best friend. She said she doesn't care about anyone like she does the way she cares for me. She says this is something but I could be right about the negative energy going on causing this. The two weeks have been rough and I think it's causing this. She said it could maybe be that, but she wants to be sure. I have no clue on what to do.

    Can anyone help please?
    It's a pretty tough situation she wants to still hangout so I don't know how I would do NC.. Especially since we are still dating and she's going on and on about how she really loves me and wants me in her life. She said she needs to figure it out on her own and I just replied "I know you do." She'll be over in the morning to stay at my place for the day, no idea what to do..

    Anyone any tips?

  2. #2
    I.M.Mortal's Avatar
    I.M.Mortal is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: LTR girlfriend unsure of us *coming over in the morning-could use advic

    2 years huh? Depending on how much you have in common and the strength of your bond, many couples in a LTR fall into a comfort zone. As a guy, you get so use to her, you let your guards down and you stop fighting for her. But it is your responsibility to stay attractive by remaining confident and interesting. She expects that of you, as much as you expect her to remain physically attractive and not get fat. The most important question you have to keep asking yourself every 6 months is, “If she met me today, would she still want to date me?” If the answer is 'no', then you have to re-evaluate yourself and put yourself back to a time when she found you attractive and rediscover that.

    LTR's could suffer from the following:
    -Jealousy
    -Neediness
    -Failure to commit
    -Abusive behaviour
    -Loss of passion

    Sounds like you got 2 out of the 5. 2 = Too much.

    In addition, you are going to have to do your diligence and read up on some books/guides out there. You are going to have to transform yourself. You are going to have to come out of your comfort zone and work hard if you want to keep her. Simply just reminding her of the "good times" isn't enough. She is going to have to relive it.

    I live by the saying "Be in a relationship as a complement, not for completion." The whole idea of going into a relationship is not to get comfortable, it is to grow. It is to continue evolving. And most importantly, you elevate each other. If it is not growing, then it is dying. So one of the things to keep the momentum going is, if you have a passion, then get better at it. Put yourself in a mindframe - Don't ever stop dating your gf or wife and treat her like you would a mistress.

    Hopefully, other guys can chime in.
    Last edited by KristiBell; 02-02-2014 at 07:59 AM. Reason: link

  3. #3
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    Default Re: LTR girlfriend unsure of us *coming over in the morning-could use advic

    Immortal's advice is solid. Read every word & re-read it, engrain it. That's what you need to do.

    You changed whether you realized it or not & she just isn't attracted anymore, but she still cares about you & doesn't want to lose you forever. So she's in a situation where she doesn't know what to do.

    I'd like to add:

    I've been in your situation before kinda. (This was senior year of high school & ultimately made me get into PUA hardcore) Me & my ex gf of a year, met exactly like you guys are about to, talked, she dumped me, told me she couldn't handle a relationship anymore with the stress of school an work, I went total AFC, then became exclusive with my BEST FRIEND & fu**ed him 2 weeks later. He took her virginity, then he cheated on her & she cried for weeks about it. This girl was gorgeous & I thought I loved her, & to make it worse, we were all co-workers. Lol, Crazy right?
    But she put on ALOT of weight after high school, & she's ugly now, so that makes me feel good.

    Enough with me ranting.
    Listen here, she's already 2 steps out the door on you man. DO NOT act AFC or chase her when she leaves you. She probably will tell you she wants a break or some other BS excuse tomorrow. YOU tell her, NO, we're breaking up. Then leave don't hug her don't look at her just leave. Then go NO CONTACT. Don't text her.
    That's it. Life isn't all fairy tales & sometimes sh1t doesn't work out. Obviously you messed up. She may or may not come back, but that's the best advice I can give to make you the best person you can be.

    If you really want to keep her then this is what you need to do but honestly it's going to take a tremendous effort.

    She's going to dump you tomorrow (or any variation of I wanna dump you, "I need space, etc"). Accept it already. Do not cry, whine, anything when sh1t hits the fan. Tell her you agree 100% & that it's for the best. It will be hard but do it.

    Then you tell her that she means a lot to you still & that you still wanna text every single day & be best friends. Tell her you guys have been through a lot & it'd be a waste to just walk out of each other's lives. She'll agree. Hug her. Then leave.
    Then you come home & read CODY's thread on how to get your ex back stickied here on the forums. That is now your life. OH AND BTW, SHE WILL TEXT YOU IN A WEEk OR SO, DO NOT EVER REPLY. If you see her in person tell her you got busy & were too busy to respond, & be very nice & polite to her.

    Now you go out, have a ton of fun, & make sure you post lots of pictures to Facebook & twitter. Girls are creeps & she will see these & get extremely jealous. Trust me.
    Then you hit the weights, study more game, & I promise you, if you went NC like I said, with-in 2 months she will be dying to hear from you. Talk to you. Anything. This Is when you text her & tell her you wanna catch up as old friends & she'll be all yours.
    (Unless she rebounds & finds a chump to date, don't worry she doesn't actually like him & it's only to try & repress feelings for you, which will grow stronger once she sees you doing this)

  4. #4
    JustStartingOut is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: LTR girlfriend unsure of us *coming over in the morning-could use advic

    Wow I thank you guys for this advice big time. She's not over yet but she will be soon. She's being super sweet to me it's weird she's made it clear she doesn't want to break up so I have no idea what this is....

    I wonder though, since she clearly doesn't want space, how do I go about texting her? She texts me all day and likes to see me all week, how would I go about raising my value and changing things if she's always around/in contact ?

    I'll let you guys know how it goes when she comes over in about an hour but I know she'll be here all day to visit. I'll try to remain calm and cool and maybe not even bring the topic up? I'd rather it be fun and light, it's getting annoying constantly talking about that problem since she's been feeling that way since things got rocky.

    Anyone know any good guidelines to check out on how to reevaluate my self and work on how to continue "dating" her instead of being so comfortable? I feel like raising my value would build up attractiveness again for sure.. Sorry for all the questions I'm still new to this

  5. #5
    CriticalRap is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: LTR girlfriend unsure of us *coming over in the morning-could use advic

    Quote Originally Posted by JustStartingOut View Post
    I wonder though, since she clearly doesn't want space, how do I go about texting her? She texts me all day and likes to see me all week, how would I go about raising my value and changing things if she's always around/in contact ?
    Get a new hobby, if you don't already go to the gym do that. It will get you in better shape, make you more attractive and make you feel better in yourself, win win win.

    I wouldn't be so sure about her leaving you, you should accept it as a possibility because from the sound of it, it is. Just be prepared, if she does take a second, and remeber the advice you've been given here by the guys above and you'll do fine. Good luck bro!

  6. #6
    JustStartingOut is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: LTR girlfriend unsure of us *coming over in the morning-could use advic

    Okay thanks man! I'll keep you guys posted as to what happens and I'll start working on myself!

    As of texting her while dating her, calling her at night, even seeing her... How do I go about these things right now to increase my value? Do I become more unavailable and pretend like we just started dating? Keep it fun and different?

    I have to admit I don't really flirt with her anymore, or do much little things because it's been rocky. I can start with that. I also have been getting ready to cut weight for a fight so I'll be lean and back in the gym. I'm just not sure what to do in terms of conversing with her on this.

  7. #7
    JustStartingOut is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: LTR girlfriend unsure of us *coming over in the morning-could use advic

    Well we ended up talking about it when she came over. She made it very clear she didn't want space. It turns out she's really afraid of relationships when things go wrong because of her parents divorce. I wouldn't know anything about what it's like to have my parents not together so I guess how she's feeling could be serious?

    She claims when she's with me and we don't argue things are great and she's so happy. She knows we are past the honeymoon stage and just wanted to share her feelings with me as to what she was feeling. She apologized for her poor wording but she said in reality she's just afraid it'll always be bad and misses the way it used to be.

    So basically that narrowed it down so much more than what I thought it was. I still think I need to do something about increasing the attraction she has for me but how do I go about doing this in a LTR? Wouldn't she think something was up? I'm not sure how to even text her because I find texting a girl you're gaming is different from one you've been with for a long time.. Any tips on that guys?

    I also tried telling her I was busy and wouldn't be able to see her this week but she started crying and said she didn't want to not be around me because she's scared of losing what we have? So I told her it was nothing to do with that, I was just generally busy.. But she persisted on making plans which is nice cause it shows she wants to be around me but at the same time could this get in the way of me increasing my attractiveness/value in her eyes?


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