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  • 1 Post By whitedragon

Thread: Le Sigh. Girl I've been talking to for over a year has gone cold on me.

  1. #1
    fridaybagels is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Le Sigh. Girl I've been talking to for over a year has gone cold on me.

    I'll try to keep this as concise as possible. I know how easy it is to get carried away with these things.

    I met a girl last year in NYC, while I was up here working. I had to go back south shortly after we met, but we kept in contact for over a year, and became good friends. A few months into talking, we started to really like each other. Sure, we'd sometimes go stretches of time without talking (sometimes up to a month or more), but every time we picked it back up again we hit it off.

    The past 3-6 months, things started heating up. I started to think she may be "the one." I know it was remote, but the connection we felt was intense. She's everything I'm looking for in a girl. I started to try to convince her to come visit me in the south. After some hesitation, she started to seriously consider it.

    Fast forward to now, and I'm back in the city for 2 weeks for work. I've gained some weight (a lot actually, 30-40lbs since I last saw her). This was a source of insecurity for me, and unfortunately I communicated this to her in the 1-2 months before coming up again.

    She's super thrilled that I'm coming up, and tells me she can't wait to spend time with me, etc etc.


    We finally meet for dinner, and she's 40 minutes late. She gives some complicated excuse as to why she was late, and I don't hold it against her. The date seems to go well.

    By the next afternoon, I had not heard from her. Not a 'thank you', not an update on the application, nothing. I would have expected something seeing as I footed the $130 bill for dinner. It wasn't until I asked her how things were going that she told me. Later that day I ask her if she wants to hang out again, and suddenly she either has to work late, or has some cousin coming into town who she hadn't seen in "a looong time".

    In a moment of stupidity and weakness (I think), I get really insecure. I start to think she maybe didn't have a good time, or that she thought I was too fat, etc etc. So I start sending her a quick series of questions about if she "had anything she wanted to talk to me about", etc etc. Then I get angry at her delay in response and sarcastically tell her to "have a nice trip, I'll talk to you next week buddy". Stupid, I know. I can be impulsive sometimes, but I really like this chick, and she makes me act weird and sometimes not use my brain. She snaps back that she's been super busy, and that I need to relax. I concede that I was being a needy little bitch, tell her I didn't mean to stress her out. Ugh.

    So, I give her space. I don't contact her again for 4 days. I'm expecting her to contact me during that time, but she doesn't. After 4 days, I ask her how her day's going. No reply. All day. I call her that night. No answer. I text her and ask her to call me. No call. Not until the next day at 4pm. By this point, I'm hurt. She knows I'm only going to be here less than a week, and she's blowing me off and risking us not being able to hang out at all! I answer, and she's trying to make forced small talk. I tell her I can't talk and that I have to get back to work, and that I'd talk to her later. I felt maybe I needed to blow her off a bit, just as she had done to me. But I hate playing the games.

    She doesn't try to contact me again. The next day, I message her, ask her to call me. She does. I ask her what's been going on, and why she's been so cold to me lately. She says she's busy, and that she's flying to Italy THE NEXT DAY. She neglected to tell me this little detail in the days leading up to it. Why? She says she was "busy." Nobody is that busy. I tell her, calmly, how upset this makes me that she wouldn't even let me know what her plans were. She says that if it makes me so upset, that maybe I should just "move on." I'm stunned, and tell her "you know what, I think you're right." Then I hang up.

    That was yesterday, and I hadn't heard from her since. Still licking my wounds here. Hurts. I went ahead and sent her one last message to explain to her that I really like her, and that I hope she comes around. I didn't apologize, or beg, or plead, or try to "win her back." I simply explained where I was coming from. I also stated that if she wasn't interested in me anymore, I was ok with that.

    I won't contact her again after this. The ball is in her court. She knows how I feel. But I guess all I wanted was closure, and I suppose I'm not going to be getting it anytime soon.

    I don't understand girls sometimes. It's so hurtful.

    Additional details: Me, 26. Her, 25. she's a virgin, she's never kissed a guy, and she comes from a traditional Indian household. Her last (and probably only) other relationship was also remote, and was with a creep that her parents arranged her to be with.

  2. #2
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Le Sigh. Girl I've been talking to for over a year has gone cold on me.

    This is one of the troubles with LDR's - its easy to have utopian, safe relationship via writing but when it heads towards meeting up it's sometimes very hard to define expectations. There are differences between real life connections and idealized 'pen pal' connections.

    I wouldn't worry about your weight...what she will be attracted to all this time will be who you are. However if she is relatively inexperienced she might have reservations about where meeting up could lead and revervations about how a relationship is possible.

    Rarely do you get closure on any relationship the way you want it. She could also have other guys in her life, even if she is a virgin...and if she is from a conservative family she may have talked to her mother or parents and is following advice from them i.e. meet someone they know, someone in the same city, someone italian etc.

    Thing is she has no obligation to let you know her plans and there's no real reason for you to be upset. At least she did meet you. It's also a good experience to teach that you never need to spend money on a girl and there's no reason to go out of your way for a girl unless you really want to and are happy to accept the consequences. You can't always guarantee how a girl will behave but you can be in control of your own attitude and confidence and if you always have a few girls in the pipeline it won't make a difference if one girl starts flaking because there will be another one super keen in your holster.

    When you meet 'the one' you both don't have to try, you will end up together no matter what you say or do.

  3. #3
    fridaybagels is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Le Sigh. Girl I've been talking to for over a year has gone cold on me.

    Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post, and reply. I appreciate it man!

    It seems as if between the two of us (me and the girl) that I may have been the only one truly sincere. There were times where she'd call me "love" and "amor" etc etc. Only to later backtrack if I asked her what she meant. Maybe this was all just fun for her. Who knows.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Le Sigh. Girl I've been talking to for over a year has gone cold on me.

    I believe you've given her too much of the power to decide how you feel. You've given yourself reasons to expect answers or results to things when she's not in a commited relationship with you. Its hard. We all share this experience in different ways.

    My advice is to spend your personal time giving yourself value. In some ways it would seem like building up some walls but you dont have to. Giving yourself value means not spending a crap ton of money for a date. Keep things simple. Keep expectations low so you can really blow someone's mind. Most importantly remember she's not responsible for how you feel unless you both are in a relationship.

    How to adress things with her to patch up her Freeze Out she's given you... Hard to make it seem true but don't act like it bothers you. Acknowledge it but keep yourself busy with bigger problems in life. Continue talking to her. I would go as far to say start from scratch again from the time you had to pick up from leaving nyc and started the year long journey of not seeing her. She isnt going to act as werided out or offended by your demeanor if she sees you are less effected by things. She'll still ask but leave those responses for when she asks. Move on conversationally ot move on to a new lady
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  5. #5
    Blistex is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Le Sigh. Girl I've been talking to for over a year has gone cold on me.

    When you are doing LDRs like this, you will have the mental and emotional side of the relationship, but not the physical side. Both are necessary. It seems she went out with you, but she is likely seeing someone else and has moved on, she just wants to keep you on the back burner in case she needs you later. By her telling you to move on, it shows that she cares about you, and doesn't want to hurt you, but she is done with the deal. That is perfectly okay, and often times girls will do things like this, just as a lot of guys will.

    It is okay to learn from this experience, take time to work on yourself man. Find hobbies, throw yourself into your career, or working out, or whatever it is you want to do. All of that is okay! You need to not let a relationship get to you until it becomes serious.

    The reason people are so scared to say "I love you" is that it puts the relationship on a breaking point. It will either end, or progress to the next level, there is no in between. That is the same thing here, she just doesn't have feelings for you man, she wants to explore the world and see what is out there, not be trapped in a relationship. Respect yourself and do the same.
    KISS - Keep it Stupid Simple

  6. #6
    fridaybagels is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Le Sigh. Girl I've been talking to for over a year has gone cold on me.

    Great advice, thanks guys. I really appreciate it.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Le Sigh. Girl I've been talking to for over a year has gone cold on me.

    I agree you have given her all the power over your feelings and this is a very bad tightrope to walk. Likely proceeding forward is strongly ill advised! I would say give it a couple months and hit her up again to see how she is doing and restart from scratch to kinda rekindle an old flame but from a fresh slate.

    In the meantime meet other girls wherever you can and be more optimistic. I don't blame you for getting upset but you revealed far too much of your hand too keep her interest.

    I got mad at my GF and tried to break up with her a couple weeks ago for making out with some guy then ignoring me all day and acting cold. I thought for sure she didn't deserve me. So I yelled at her for ignoring me but that's all I said. I didn't bring up the other guy I bit my tongue and the next day she got back together with me because I didn't give her too much power over my feelings. I told her it sucks her seeing me like that and she comforted me immensely which is why I took her back.

    I still don't trust her so I started seeing other girls. I have a date next weekend and my hairstylist is digging on me so I might try to date her as well. The moral of the story mate is you got Oneitis and it killed you. I simply tried to move on and focus on other girls and now she is waiting around for me again.

    The point is you need to see the big picture of making yourself as a desirable mate and one way to date that is seeing multiple women will boost your confidence reduce insecurities of losing someone and being able to let go more easily. It is as they say don't put all your eggs in one basket. Like we say don't get Oneitis and when I truly started believing that I began to realize there is a lot of women who like me and seem more drawn to me when I have other women in my life.

    MM calls this Pre-Selection and because I tell then sometimes or sometimes not doesn't matter the fact is I have a lot of women with their eye on me and guys puts me in a very good spot to be in. I didn't think the hairstylist would be happy to hear I am dating someone but she said she likes to party and wants to see me again so likely it's still on. Get out there and be the guy with less Pre-Selection issues/Oneitis Mindset.
    When you let go of your feelings you can really then embrace your surroundings
    Love is a game that's why I don't worry about it anymore. When you let go of your feelings you find your meaning.
    -Capn_Jack


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