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  • 1 Post By Wolf24
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Thread: Is she leading me on, have I been put in the friendship zone?

  1. #1
    zerogame is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Is she leading me on, have I been put in the friendship zone?

    First post. I have a lot to improve on and I guess by giving you guys the scenario I am faced with at the moment you can give me pointers on where ive come across as needy or a wimp (probably most of it!) and how I should have played it. I thought id met the girl that was right for me but now Im wondering if shes screwing with my head. Just to let you guys know im not here to become a 'player' but i do want to learn how to be better with women and more confident and meet the right girl.

    A little background about me. I'm 30 years old and earn an average income. I dont really have problems attracting women as I'm fairly good looking but I guess I have problems keeping women I find attractive. Unfortunately I've never really too many life lessons on how to keep a women interested after the first couple weeks. I'm the typical nice guy who does a lot for women and maybe a tad emotional sometimes.

    A few months ago I started seeing a girl id known for a while through mutual friends. Shes 26 and has a 4 year old son and hot. She came out of an abusive relationship last Autumn after she had been beaten up by her ex. During her 3 years with her ex the last 2 were spent her sleeping in a separate room and her not having any sexual relationship with him, out of her own choice. Apparently the reason for his abuse was because he was insecure about her and often accused her of cheating.

    We hit it off and spent the few weeks going out on dates and partying together. After around the second week things started getting sexual and we began doing everything sexual apart from actual intercourse. This went on for a period of about 6 weeks. She wouldnt sleep with me because she said she won't have sex unless she is in a relationship.

    During these 6 weeks I learnt alot about her past and the physical abuse she went through. As this happened i started to care more for her and her little boy, as I guess I wanted to help her get through what she'd experienced.

    Everything was going well, I was the dominant one and she would constantly text me. I had my own separate life where id go out with the guys and id only see her once a week and I guess put myself first and be in control.

    Then one night out of the blue she texts me saying she needs to get out of the loop for a few weeks. I rang her and it turns out her ex had been stalking her and trying to get back with her. I told her that I was annoyed that she was contemplating taking me out of her life for a while and that i still wanted to be around her. I managed to make arrangements with her for the following weekend where we went out with her son. In the evening she took me to meet her parents and we all ate together. Then that night I stayed at hers and everything seemed back to normal, we even fooled around when we woke up in the morning which we never really did before. At that point I felt like this was the best we had been together.

    I left her house the next day and in the back of my mind I could feel the whole ex thing trying to track her down starting to get to me and i started to become insecure about it all. This is when the situation flipped.

    I carried on seeing her but now I started suggesting I see her in the week and stay over, just so I knew her and her son were safe. I did this for a while but I could feel a distance starting to grow between us and the sexual side of our involvement started to taper off.

    Her ex then showed up again at her work this time trying to break in to get to her and shouting that he loves her. That night she had the police involved and they began the process of filing a restraining order against him.

    The whole thing started to mess with my head and she began being less responsive to my messages and phone calls.

    Next thing she had some health problems and had to be put on a heavy pain killer for a couple of weeks. During that time we hardly spoke and it would take her days to reply to a text message. Eventually I sent her some get well flowers and it was only when I asked if shed got the flowers that she rang me.

    Next week she was recovered and we went out for the day and then went to a party in the evening with her friends. The day went great but in the evening I started to notice that she was more interested in talking to her girl pals and her gay male friends than talking to me. It was almost like I wasnt there.

    A few more thing happened where she would say she didnt receive text messages that I had sent etc and thats why she hadnt replied. Stuff that I didnt believe. Eventually I thought enough was enough and tried to call her to break it off. She wouldnt answer her phone after me trying about 4 or 5 times so I had to break it off by text and told her that I felt she wasnt into me as much as I am into her and that I need some time away from her. Her response was that she was shocked but also that she wasnt ready for a relationship yet and that she thought that I didnt want a relationship either.

    So we parted our paths and then suddenly rumours started going round that I was seeing another girl and that I try to manipulate women who have children by getting close with their kids - which couldnt be further from the truth! This was the first girl id been involved with that had a child. Someone was trying to poison her mind about me. More rumours started flying around about me, somone had said that I claimed I was in a relationship with her, which I had never ever said.

    Because of all the BS going around I had to contact her to put it straight, however she wouldnt answer any of my calls or texts, apart from one where she said I was making everything weird. At that point I stopped trying.

    A month passed and one of my friends who knows her mentioned that she was really annoyed with me. So I just decided to drive round and knock on her door. She answered and I explained everything and that all this stuff about me seeing someone else was BS. She believed me and we then both found out that one of her girl friends who had just turned single was making stuff up about me because she wanted her friend back.

    After that I didnt seen her for a few weeks but then all of a sudden she invites me out for her mums birthday in a months time. I told her it was too soon and that i wanted any feelings to disappear first and i wasnt so sure it was a good idea. Over the weeks that followed I got the odd text message from her asking if I was ok to which I would reply but not trying to open a conversation, just short but polite replies.

    A week before her mums birthday I get a text from her mum (who has never had my phone number so must have got it from her daughter) asking me to come round that day for a bbq. (This all coincided with me uploading photos on instagram with me surrounded by women at a party, which I know she definitley saw on her phone). I told her mum i couldnt go as I had made arrangements but told her that her daughter had invited me to her birthday party next week. I guess at that point I agreed with her mum that I would show up to her birthday.

    The following week and i turned up to the party. Everything went great and we had fun. After the party we went back to hers where we spent the eving cuddling on the sofa and she said some things to me which looking back I am now very suspicious of:

    - she told me that there was no reason why we cant go back to the way we were with each other before things went bad(which I was really surprised about), and that her mum thinks that I am the right guy for her although she still isnt ready to get into a relationship..

    - she then went onto to say that she wanted to come and see my new house that id just moved into and that she was sad that people had been trying to drive us apart.

    - she then asked me if I would like to come to the cinema with her and her son and that I should go camping with her next summer.

    - she also for no apparent reason took off her tshirt when i said 'i like your tshirt' exposing her top half and then put her tshirt on me which I felt was rather bizarre.

    - she also told me id lost weight and grabbed some dumbells and started showing me some exercises to do..

    - she then brought up how she misses her son and cant wait to see him tomorrow even though we'd just spent the whole day with him. Id spent a number of days wit her and her son in the past and she had never ever said this to me once before. Then it struck me that I'd told her recently that I found her relationship she has with her son amazing.

    Looking back at all this now I feel like she was saying everything I wanted to hear and perhaps leading me on.
    After all the talking and cuddling I asked for a kiss to which she gave me a quick millisecond peck on the lips (literally the speed of a woodpecker) and told me 'wait, dont rush things'.

    The following day I left her house and went home. That evening she text me with a picture of me and her taken on the night. I text back and said I had a great weekend and to let me know when the cinema thing is. She text me back the next day laughing about the picture of us as it was a comical pose, but never mentioned the cinema arrangements.

    We spent all week talking on the phone about things and eventually I brought up going out the following weekend and doing something fun. She said she would get back to me about once she knows if she could get a babysitter and over the next day or so we continued to talk on the phone but still no mention of arrangements for a babysitter so I phoned again and said lets just go out with her son and then we dont need a babysitter. She agreed and suggested that we go for a picnic.

    The day came and an hour before I wasn meant to leave she text me telling me that her son isnt 100% and he just wants to stay indoors today, so she will have to pass on seeing me today... (this kid loves me by the way, everytime im there he calls me his best friend and worships the ground i walk on, as do i with him) I replied nicely and said 'not to worry, hope all is ok' and i didnt try and make any more arrangements. She replied with 'was looking forward to a fun day out aswell but nevermind'

    Nearly 3 days have passed now and I havent heard anything from her after speaking everyday for the past week, nor have i tried to contact her. I know shes been through a tough time and is still not over the trauma of what happened with her ex, but I cant help but feel she is leading me on and just likes to know im there if she wants me, even though she swears she would never lead anyone on... What do you guys think?

    ps sorry if this sounds like relationship counselling, but I am here to learn whatever the outcome, I need to improve on myself big time.

  2. #2
    Wolf24's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is she leading me on, have I been put in the friendship zone?

    "literally the speed of a woodpecker" lol you got me there.

    Jokes aside, I think you got the breaking point right. You were the nonchalant alpha when you first met her. But as soon as the ex issue came back you went back to being "the nice guy".

    I'm sure, she loved that attention. But she probably thought to herself what sparked it? Her ex? Does she need to be in danger to get your attention? Which probably didn't feel right.

    She instinctively pushed you away because she might have felt, whether conscious or not, you're the guy that takes advantage of the defenseless. (Don't get me wrong here bro, I'm not saying you are but she might have felt that.)

    Of course, the ex thing is traumatic for her. She occasionally might be off the grid mentally. She might suddenly turn sad. But she's still a fine and desirable gal.

    My only humble advice for this subject would be, never make the mistake of pitying her.

    Us dudes often think we're the superior gender because of the vulnerable nature of the feminine kind. However, there's no superiority. We love women because even if we don't really admit, we are amazed by how they can stand strong against all those emotional baggage.

    So, if you want a "broken" woman, first step is to accept her full package, flaws included.
    It's not about who I was or who I'm going to become.

    It's about who I am. Do it right here, right now.

  3. #3
    zerogame is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Is she leading me on, have I been put in the friendship zone?

    Hey wolf, thanks for the reply.

    "So, if you want a "broken" woman, first step is to accept her full package, flaws included."

    I felt I had accepted her flaws... Where do I go from here? Do you think she is leading me on or perhaps just testing me?

  4. #4
    artandale's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is she leading me on, have I been put in the friendship zone?

    I read this long entry.. Took 15 minutes or so. The way it reads to me is that you're lookin for any clues to what it all means. While she's an emotional girl with responsibilties. From what i can tell she's pretty guarded and looking for a guy to sweep her off her feet emotionally. The more her emotional walls are worn down guarding her the more she'll start to pine for you in the relationship. From what i gather she's taking it slow. I've dealt with a milf too and she flakes all the time but is super sincere and when i do get the moment to hang out with her i can break every wall i want i just so happen to choose not to because i want to see her chase me a bit making the closes simpler and reassuring to me. My point is to you she might sound like she's playing mind games with you but face it--she doesnt owe you anything. She's not ready to be responsible for your feelings yet as you might already be ready for hers. Get her to emotionally connect and invest into you by makijg her forget her responsiblities not by taking care of her needs but filling her up with positive frame work. Think of her walls having only a weakness of positive emotional wear and tear--once she's been filled with enough positive emotions she'll let you lead the situations much more easier. She'll start to let you matter to her where she feels responsible for your emotions too.

    In the end i think what you thought were red flags that one night or whatever were really signs of her screaming for you to not give up on her. I would have not asked to be kissed--i would have made her second guess her feelings by kissing her on the cheek but with enough Tension leading up to it as if she would think i was going to french kiss her. To me this is important because like a person you just met and got to know pretty well you know they want to gce you a hug because theyre standing straight but shoudlers curled. This means you have the oppurtunity to say yes or no to the hug. If you can do the same think with a kiss to the cheek once she's hesitated enough she's already expecting it. By making her wonder about it she'll want it. Vice versa--you want the kiss because you've been thinkin about it... So play tension to read the signals right. Take your time. Dont act on your feelings. Use your feelings as instictual signs that need to be re-analyzed when you have a moment to process it all.

    From here i think its most important to ask yourself if shes worth waiting this out for. If you dont hesitate to say yes then keep on strutting. If you did hesitate then figure out what you want and it this relationship where it stands now is worth it.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  5. #5
    zerogame is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Is she leading me on, have I been put in the friendship zone?

    Quote Originally Posted by artandale View Post
    I read this long entry.. Took 15 minutes or so. The way it reads to me is that you're lookin for any clues to what it all means. While she's an emotional girl with responsibilties. From what i can tell she's pretty guarded and looking for a guy to sweep her off her feet emotionally. The more her emotional walls are worn down guarding her the more she'll start to pine for you in the relationship. From what i gather she's taking it slow. I've dealt with a milf too and she flakes all the time but is super sincere and when i do get the moment to hang out with her i can break every wall i want i just so happen to choose not to because i want to see her chase me a bit making the closes simpler and reassuring to me. My point is to you she might sound like she's playing mind games with you but face it--she doesnt owe you anything. She's not ready to be responsible for your feelings yet as you might already be ready for hers. Get her to emotionally connect and invest into you by makijg her forget her responsiblities not by taking care of her needs but filling her up with positive frame work. Think of her walls having only a weakness of positive emotional wear and tear--once she's been filled with enough positive emotions she'll let you lead the situations much more easier. She'll start to let you matter to her where she feels responsible for your emotions too.

    In the end i think what you thought were red flags that one night or whatever were really signs of her screaming for you to not give up on her. I would have not asked to be kissed--i would have made her second guess her feelings by kissing her on the cheek but with enough Tension leading up to it as if she would think i was going to french kiss her. To me this is important because like a person you just met and got to know pretty well you know they want to gce you a hug because theyre standing straight but shoudlers curled. This means you have the oppurtunity to say yes or no to the hug. If you can do the same think with a kiss to the cheek once she's hesitated enough she's already expecting it. By making her wonder about it she'll want it. Vice versa--you want the kiss because you've been thinkin about it... So play tension to read the signals right. Take your time. Dont act on your feelings. Use your feelings as instictual signs that need to be re-analyzed when you have a moment to process it all.

    From here i think its most important to ask yourself if shes worth waiting this out for. If you dont hesitate to say yes then keep on strutting. If you did hesitate then figure out what you want and it this relationship where it stands now is worth it.
    Hey thanks for the reply artandale, sorry it was a long read. In terms of positive framework what would you suggest?

  6. #6
    zerogame is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Is she leading me on, have I been put in the friendship zone?

    Ok I've found a thread on frame control amongst other things Im gonna absorb.. Thanks for all your advice guys. But for now, do I text/call her and check she's alive? or do I prolong my 3 days of no contact? I kind of feel like my non contact is coming across to her as me trying to make a point of her cancelling on me... And it seems weird for me to freeze her again after id froze her for a whole month just over 2 weeks ago .....

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Is she leading me on, have I been put in the friendship zone?

    Contacting her is fine. Thats not what i meant when i meant framing. I mean hold your intent of interest. Positively fill her with emotion by being exciting and fun. To do that its mostly about perspective and amping things up in the moment. Dont take everything so serious. Not everything should be about a relationship with a gurl who is emotionally centered. She's looking for someone to help her enjoy her life. Its obvious to me that shes into you. Its ok to intiate first. Initiate because you want to. Freezing Her Out should only be used to correct bad behavor. And honestly it only works if she's been making you some kind of priority.
    Every moment counts, get out of your head and enjoy it.

  8. #8
    zerogame is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Is she leading me on, have I been put in the friendship zone?

    Thanks for the advice again. Managed to get a funny text message through to her last night but she didn't reply.

    I just remembered something that may be of importance. Last week after I'd seen her we spoke a lot on the phone. She brought up that she will probably end up being a single mum for the rest of her life and that she keeps thinking of relocating to another city... In my mind this doesn't line up with what she'd said to me whilst I was with her when she said about wanting things to go back to the way they were with me... To me it sounds like mixed signals and maybe teasing/stringing me along....

  9. #9
    zerogame is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Is she leading me on, have I been put in the friendship zone?

    And another red flag I forgot to mention - I've found porn on her phone a few times, and every time its been lesbian porn... When I quizzed her about it she said its not that its 2 girls that turns her on, its just the situation that turns her on. She also has boyish mannerisms... (tom boy)

    I suppose I should have pointed this out in my first post....


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