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  1. #1
    Legend is offline PUA in Training
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    Question How do I handle this?

    -~-~- skip to the symbol to the left for the tl;dr version

    So I met a girl through online dating (OKC) and we connected really, really well. We were texting quite a bit (my bad for not keeping the mystery going, which will come in later), called each other two or three times and talked for hours before even going on our first date.

    First date rolls around and it was good, we kissed and made-out, I watched her do a dance rehearsal and met some of her friends (who I'm pretty sure approved of me), and then afterward we got to talking and (this is a long distance thing, about 1 hr drive) she said she was concerned because she felt like the person through text/phone and then the in-person me were a bit different, and she was extremely comfortable with me but wasn't sure how attracted she was anymore (paraphrasing all this).

    We met a second time and farked, and she said she was feeling better about things, but that she was still "contemplative" (her words). She has a kid, cute little 3 yr old stinker, btw.

    The "fire" in the texts and stuff has lessened considerably, and I even tried to throw a joke her way and she half-heartedly responded to it (where she used to play along). She later said something like "sorry sometimes i'm too serious..."

    -~-~-Anyway what I'm leading to is that after thinking about things and asking a few people their opinions, they think she's seeing someone else (which I'm fine with) and kissing him (which I'm sort of ok with) and not telling me about it (which I'm not ok with because we talked about being honest about that kind of stuff, with it being a long-distance we had to define things a bit).

    I could make an already long post even longer by posting more detail or thoughts, but essentially my question is (if I want to date this girl, not just bag her), what's my play?

    Obviously building attraction is huge, but I hate the manipulation of freezing a girl out, it's like putting her in time out, which is juvenile.

    I'm still contemplating doing it though, because it does work.

    -OR- should I just call her out in a soft way "Hey, so just be straight with me, I'm okay with it but I just need to know, are you seeing someone else as well?" to ease my anxiety and get to the meat of things so I'm not wasting my time driving down there every weekend if she likes this guy more than me and is just playing me?

    Thanks, sorry for the huge ass explanation, it's mostly due to the AFC anxiety I'm feeling atm, lol. Needed to get it out.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: How do I handle this?

    It doesn't matter if you only want to bang her, or to have a relationship, you gotta build attraction.

    If she's seeing someone else and lost attraction to you, it means the other guy has more value than you, thus she did nothing wrong, which means that a Freeze Out is a bad option.

    Simply try to rebuild attraction, tease her and by the way, avoid phone talking for hours, that's what fucked you up.

  3. #3
    Legend is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How do I handle this?

    Thanks for the reply. Yeah I figured. I'm still working on a lot of areas of my game, but my online/text game is far better than my face-to-face with I think is also the problem. My anxiety gets the better of me at times and I make stupid decisions and say stupid things and "need to know" unnecessary details.

    So what's my play to rebuild attraction? Meet up with her, do a picnic and something fun, and then just send playful, fun texts throughout the days we aren't on a date (we can only meet up once a week on the weekends cuz work/school and distance), or something else?

  4. #4
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    lenric is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How do I handle this?

    First of all, stop for a minute, breathe in and relax.
    Second, relax again. Think slowly, talk slowly. It will greatly help you and enhance your ability, since you'll be relaxed.
    Third, you gotta have fun. Don't try to win her attraction, that's useless. Try to simply amuse yourself. To have fun "at the cost of her", as in, by teasing her.

    The key to attraction isn't to gain her approval, but rather to be self-amused, because if you're having fun, then your positive vibe will be contagious and she'll have fun. Why? Because you're not putting her on a pedestal. You're putting yourself on a pedestal. You aren't concerned with an agenda.

    So, you gotta work a lot on your inner game, and you'll probably not get this girl, since the lines that will say to her aren't from your head. It won't be your personality, so it won't be congruent with what you are, and she'll sense that something's wrong.

    But anyway, the plan the build attraction is exactly this. Stop caring for what she thinks. Stop getting concerned about what she'll think of your words or actions. Say whatever the fuck you ant that you think it's funny for you.

    Oh and by the way, picnic, first (second or whatever) dates and fun can't be in the same sentence. Go do something else, such as bowling.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: How do I handle this?

    There is nothing wrong with talking on the phone for hours. Especially cause it's long distance. I honestly think it's her.

    The mistake that I feel you may have made is feeding into these frames she's setting up. I don't know for sure if you did or not, but it's possible you did.

    Her saying things like "I feel you are different in person than on the phone" is just bs. All things are subject to interpretation. So if she sets up the reality like this and you feed into it you are helping it manifest to be truth. Basically you should've brushed it off. And if it went away on its own after you did this then you know she was just full of it.

    Another guy? It's possible. But you gotta treat it the same way whether there's a guy or not. Which is to act as if he doesn't exist. If you think about him and try to "win her from him" you risk some serious AFC behavior. Just act like you're the only one.

    If you want to try and be exclusive then it's best to go the classic way which is to say "So I just realized.....are we suppose to be seeing other people?" Gauge her response and go from there. But don't be too hard on yourself if you want more and she doesn't.

    Just remember there is only so much you can do. We easily think that if we make the right moves that we can control women. This is false. We do, however, can have alot of influence on them. Which can seem like control, but don't ever kid yourself. Just do what you can and accept the results whether in your favor or not. Overall long distance is a bad idea anyways. I've dealt with a handful myself so I know.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  6. #6
    Legend is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How do I handle this?

    Thanks guys, makes sense. She ended up calling me and said it wasn't another guy but was "something I said" that made her sad.

    Essentially she feels like sh1t because she misinterpreted something I said, and at the end simply ended the convo because she was crying. I won't go into details. I feel bad but at the same time it was an overreaction. She's got issues. Chalk it up to practice for someone else, and great experience.

    Thanks again.

  7. #7
    lenric's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do I handle this?

    Quote Originally Posted by BatMan View Post
    There is nothing wrong with talking on the phone for hours. Especially cause it's long distance. I honestly think it's her.
    Whenever there is a situation where you have a guy who's nervous and still with a lot of inexperience in the date scene and loads of hours of phone talking, he will be fucked up. That's pure math. If you know how to maintain your frame and whatever that's ok, but if you don't, then shit happens and that's what happened.


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