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  • 3 Post By dave_xxx
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Thread: To pay or not to pay for dates

  1. #1
    Mystik is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default To pay or not to pay for dates

    I know this a tired old subject that won't go away. Really it should be one of those "there are no right or wrong answers" but unfortunately it's not that cut and dry. If most beautiful or attractive women absolutely insist on having the man pay for them on dates(dinner or otherwise)then maybe we need to be flexible. I'm not saying that is the case because honestly I don't know. However, I'm pretty much against paying for them for reasons I'll get into later.

    I wouldn't mind paying as long as it's reciprocal but on the first date or even first few you don't know if you will see her again and shelling out money on someone when the relationship could end at any moment doesn't excite me much. Maybe I am being a bit inflexible or rigid here but here is how I see it. Sure, a man is almost always the one asking the woman out and many people will say the one who does the asking needs to pay. That is silly to me because at least initially it's almost always the guy doing the asking! A more fair way of determining it would not be by gender but by who makes more money. Even that doesn't sit right with me though and doesn't seem right. I don't understand why a man and a woman can't split the bill. Some will say(even PUA's) that if you do that you will be thrown into the friend zone because that's what friends do. I agree and that's why you have to have pretty good game(which you should have regardless). In this day and age I see no reason why people can't either split the bill or come up with some other kind of arrangement. I might say to her "well, if you can chip in at least five dollars that would be great. That way you only have to give me a handjob. If I paid for it all then I'd expect the whole shebang." This would be said with a big smile of course. The thing is women should be ok with splitting the bill because if not then there's always the assumption that if the man pays for it all then he expects sex(which I can understand to some extent- not that I personally would expect it though).

    So here's the thing. Yeah I know you should just do something inexpensive the first few times in order to avoid this kind of date(ie coffee, hiking, free concert, hot sex at your place etc etc basically anything that doesn't require money unless of course she's a hooker then then hot sex thing will cost you )but sooner or later you are going to hopefully take her out so how do you resolve this? Flip a coin? If she really insists on me paying should I cave in or have a backbone(will she respect that more). Should we discuss it before hand and I possibly toss her aside if she is the "old fashioned type" who insists on having the man pay? Should I reject a woman just because of this one issue. I am pretty against it because I feel if the man is paying then the woman has higher value(higher social value at least) and you are already set in as her enabler(or provider). I don't want to be in the provider role for one thing.

    Anyway, I had this conversation with a married woman in a bar once(her husband went home to feed the dog and I was stuck with her for a few minutes)and it's amazing how much women really hold on to this. I'm thinking see if she would at least pay five dollars or maybe twenty percent since it doesn't have to be an all or nothing issue. I just don't want to be taken advantage of as a man and I know other guys are concerned about this too. Like I said part of this can be avoided by not having dinner as the first date but sooner or later this will come up. Any thoughts? Please don't say I'm overthinking this because I do think it's worth discussing.

  2. #2
    dave_xxx's Avatar
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    Default Re: To pay or not to pay for dates

    This is what I usually do:

    I will grab the bill and say, "You know I think I will cover the bill today. You cover the tip.... or we can switch and I'll cover the tip (give her a wink)".

    Girls will laugh and then choose to cover the tip most of the time and some will offer to pay the bill while you cover the tip. This is an easy way to come across as Alpha while getting her to invest. Whatever option she picks then you say you will just reverse it the next time. Easy way to schedule a second date and save yourself a minimum of 20%.

    One exception, I did have a girl who is a pharmacist tell me that she will cover the bill and the tip. I told her that I will do the same on the next date. Again, you have a second date commitment. We still hookup about once a month. She brings booze to my place every time she shows up.

    I have been seeing this girl for over 2 years now without ANY commitments.

  3. #3
    T-Mal's Avatar
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    Default Re: To pay or not to pay for dates

    It's only a bad move to buy / pay for something when you FIRST meet her.

    However; after you've spent a little while talking & you two are getting mor acquainted with each other, then don't stress about paying. It's totally OK at that point.

    By the time you go on a "date" chances are that you've talked & gotten to know each other even more... So paying for the date is jot going to lower your value.

    Just avoid anything extravagant for the first few times. Keep it simple.



    Need one on one private coaching? PM me for details.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: To pay or not to pay for dates

    I think everybody is over-thinking this issue.

    I've done both, and splitting bills on dates has only hurt me. The girls usually are taken back, or pissed at me & it's hard to recover no matter how you frame it. I don't care how cocky/funny or confident you are, it makes you look cheap or like a jerk. It leaves a bad taste in her mouth at the end which is what you don't want.

    Now I do the same thing that Dave does. ^

    Trying to be alpha, or whatever is the exact opposite of the entire idea. Alpha guys don't care what she thinks blah blah blah.

    1.) always pay for dates, keep it cheap and simple and FUN, if it's dinner still pay for it but do Dave's method.
    2.) getting girls is, and always will be expensive. Don't make it a big deal and it won't be.
    3.) don't buy her anything until she qualifies and invests
    4.) Stop worrying about being alpha or whatever and ruining attraction because your paying. That's ridiculous.
    5.) don't discuss it with her.

    Now if the date goes horribly, and she sucks and doesn't invest or qualify or anything then don't pay for her, tell whoever you're splitting the bill, and eject outta there. If she says she doesn't have any money, well, now you know her intentions, and you can make her do anything you want.

    "Tell me a funny joke and if it makes me laugh I'll pay"

    Or any other qualifiers you can think of on the spot ^

  5. #5
    Mystik is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: To pay or not to pay for dates

    Quote Originally Posted by T-Mal View Post
    It's only a bad move to buy / pay for something when you FIRST meet her.

    However; after you've spent a little while talking & you two are getting mor acquainted with each other, then don't stress about paying. It's totally OK at that point.

    By the time you go on a "date" chances are that you've talked & gotten to know each other even more... So paying for the date is jot going to lower your value.

    Just avoid anything extravagant for the first few times. Keep it simple.

    Ok. I agree with that and think that's a good idea. However, hopefully by then we would have discussed the issue and know what to expect and can possibly get into a situation where it's a "I've got this but you get my back next time" kind of thing.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: To pay or not to pay for dates

    Just for the sake of this thread, I'm gonna introduce another point of view.

    Financial status.

    For example, I'm still in college. And I still heavily rely on my parents about money. At my financial standpoint, handling the whole bill myself is kind of a huge issue. So, I usually split the (bigger) bill in my dates.

    I flat out ask to split it. No teasing, nothing. I like to keep the "money talk" serious, because in fact, it is serious. Well, this might not seem plausible to some of you guys but the girls I mostly date are just like me: financially dependent.

    So you can guess, I didn't get any bad looks from the chicks, because I think they feel me about this.

    Just my two cents.
    It's not about who I was or who I'm going to become.

    It's about who I am. Do it right here, right now.

  7. #7
    Mystik is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: To pay or not to pay for dates

    [I've done both, and splitting bills on dates has only hurt me. The girls usually are taken back, or pissed at me & it's hard to recover no matter how you frame it. I don't care how cocky/funny or confident you are, it makes you look cheap or like a jerk. It leaves a bad taste in her mouth at the end which is what you don't want.]


    Well I'm beginning to see it's not worth fighting about or making a big deal about(depending on how the issue comes up)but what if the woman is a feminist type and insists on splitting the bill or paying for it? In that case I am certainly not going to argue with her about something I feel is kind of lopsided in the first place. I mean I can't look like a cheap jerk if she is insisting on splitting the bill. It could be a s**t test but then I would just say "ok if you insist but I'll get it next time."

    What I want to know is why does a guy look like he's cheap but not a woman? But yeah I get it most people still seem to think that whoever does the asking is the one who pays and guess who almost always is the one doing the asking(at least initially). We may live in modern times but it is still almost always the guy approaching the woman and asking her out therefore the burden almost always falls on us.


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