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Thread: Thinking About Trying Online Dating...

  1. #1
    Somebody is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Thinking About Trying Online Dating...

    I want your opinion on whether you think I should try online dating as opposed to going meet women at somewhere like a club. First, I will tell you a little about me. I'm 23-years-old and never had a girlfriend. Also, I am CURRENTLY shy, lack confidence, and have poor social skills. Put me in a room full of strangers and I'll probably be quiet and won't know what to say and talk about with people. I barely know how to respond sometimes even when someone says something to me unless it's a question. I might just awkwardly smile and nod my head. So, while my social skills are lacking, I don't think they're so bad that I'd have no chance at having a girl want to go out with me. In a classroom setting or other social group setting, girls don't really seem to gravitate towards me because of the shyness. They can barely get to know me. However, I was thinking if I tried online dating it would be much easier for me because it'll start with the online interaction which may suit me better, then proceed to meeting her in real life one-on-one which is also an easier situation for me to open up in. So, anyway, I just want to get more dating experience and maybe have a chance at clicking with a girl who I might actually have a relationship with. Do you think online dating would be the best way for me to go?

  2. #2
    DirectIsBest's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thinking About Trying Online Dating...

    No! Online dating is the worst route you can go. It doesn't make anything easier, only harder. I wrote about my experiences in this thread https://www.puaforums.com/general-qu...tml#post135129.

    I was extremely shy in high school. I always wondered "why do all these women I don't want, want me, but all the women I DO want don't". Well I found out AFTER high school that almost all of the most attractive women at my school DID want me! I was just bad at picking up signals and I was too afraid to talk to them. After high school I lost the shyness routine and ended up hooking up with some of these girls. You wouldn't believe how many times I got "I had the biggest crush on you in high school" from the highest quality women there (even ones two years older then me). The reason I wasn't the guy in high school dating the older, hottest women is because I didn't open my mouth/make a move.

    Lets revisit this "why do all these women I don't want, want me, but all the women I DO want don't". This realization turned everything around for me at the end of my senior year. Every year in high school I had 10-15 women that I knew were really into me but I didn't like them. "What am I doing with these women that I'm not doing with the ones I want?" I figured it out. I was talking to them and being myself. When I was shy I had all these funny things pop into my head but I wouldn't say them around the women I wanted. I would just be quiet. When I was around women I wasn't interested in I would say the things that popped into my head and they loved me for it. I started to say the things in front of the attractive women that popped into my mind and I started getting allot of interest from them too. All you need to do is think out loud.

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    Default Re: Thinking About Trying Online Dating...

    Quote Originally Posted by DirectIsBest View Post
    All you need to do is think out loud.
    Agree. Lol I do this a lot. Be somewhat selective though, being open and honest can scare the shit out of some people.
    You will never do ANYTHING in this world without COURAGE. - Aristotle

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    Default Re: Thinking About Trying Online Dating...

    Quote Originally Posted by DirectIsBest View Post
    No! Online dating is the worst route you can go. It doesn't make anything easier, only harder. I wrote about my experiences in this thread https://www.puaforums.com/general-qu...tml#post135129.

    I was extremely shy in high school. I always wondered "why do all these women I don't want, want me, but all the women I DO want don't". Well I found out AFTER high school that almost all of the most attractive women at my school DID want me! I was just bad at picking up signals and I was too afraid to talk to them. After high school I lost the shyness routine and ended up hooking up with some of these girls. You wouldn't believe how many times I got "I had the biggest crush on you in high school" from the highest quality women there (even ones two years older then me). The reason I wasn't the guy in high school dating the older, hottest women is because I didn't open my mouth/make a move.

    Lets revisit this "why do all these women I don't want, want me, but all the women I DO want don't". This realization turned everything around for me at the end of my senior year. Every year in high school I had 10-15 women that I knew were really into me but I didn't like them. "What am I doing with these women that I'm not doing with the ones I want?" I figured it out. I was talking to them and being myself. When I was shy I had all these funny things pop into my head but I wouldn't say them around the women I wanted. I would just be quiet. When I was around women I wasn't interested in I would say the things that popped into my head and they loved me for it. I started to say the things in front of the attractive women that popped into my mind and I started getting allot of interest from them too. All you need to do is think out loud.
    So many people tell shy people to just relax and be themselves and to think out loud, but is it really that easy? Can a shy person like me really break out of his shell and become talkative just by thinking out loud? See, I wish I could believe that, but I literally don't know what to say most of the time to people. There's literally nothing in my head besides maybe something boring or weird. Boring like 'how are you?' and 'how's your day going?' This happens especially when I have to initiate the conversation from nothing. I don't know what to bring up to talk about with the other person and if I start with a simple 'how are you?' or 'hi', then I don't know where to go from there. I'm not saying I always have nothing interesting or good to say to add to a conversation. Sometimes I do, and that's when a conversation is already going so all I have to do is listen to what's being said and something may come to mind. Sometimes I hesitate to say what's on my mind out of fear of what others will think. I've noticed this, along with other destructive beliefs or ways of thinking I have had. What I really wonder though is whether I'm lacking in social intelligence, or if I have the social intelligence I need, but negative beliefs and thoughts are getting in the way of showing it or using it. Like it's there, but it's being blocked by, for instance, worrying too much about what others think. I almost tend to think I'm lacking in social intelligence because, like I said, I have nothing good to say on my mind a lot of times.

    I don't know. I really believe I need more social practice, and sleep. As far as practice goes, I've been doing these crazy comfort zone challenges where I step outside my comfort zone to hopefully build my confidence and stop caring what others think of me. For example, I laid down for a minute on the ground in a random spot on my campus where I knew the most students walked by. I'm hoping this will help, and getting more sleep since dealing with chronic insomnia seems to make the anxiety worse.

    Anyway, I don't want to spew out all my problems on you. I really want to learn from your experience. Since you overcame shyness, I want to know how similar you were to me. Please answer these questions:

    1. Did you hesitate to say things out of fear of what others thought of you?
    2. Did you oftentimes want to talk more, but literally felt you didn't have anything on your mind to say, like you couldn't think of anything?
    3. Did you put a lot of effort sometimes into thinking of things to say only to realize this effort is useless and only makes the problem worse?
    4. Did you feel like you were in the spotlight all the time like people were judging your every movement?
    5. Did you have extreme doubts about whether you would ever overcome your shyness and become the social person you wanted to be?
    6. Besides just thinking out loud, what were the key things you did that helped you overcome shyness? I believe it takes more than just thinking out loud because being shy is an extreme internal problem that takes a lot of effort to overcome. There's these negative beliefs, doubts, and a lack of confidence, and probably a lack of social skills, that come with it that requires more than just thinking out loud one day to overcome them all. What I'm saying is this is such an enormous battle in my everyday life that it's hard to believe you only must choose to think out loud one day to make a huge leap of progress. I almost feel like it could take me years to overcome this, though I don't know for sure how long it will take and it also depends on how much effort I put into it.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Thinking About Trying Online Dating...

    Quote Originally Posted by Somebody View Post
    So many people tell shy people to just relax and be themselves and to think out loud, but is it really that easy? Can a shy person like me really break out of his shell and become talkative just by thinking out loud? See, I wish I could believe that, but I literally don't know what to say most of the time to people. There's literally nothing in my head besides maybe something boring or weird.

    1. Did you hesitate to say things out of fear of what others thought of you?
    2. Did you oftentimes want to talk more, but literally felt you didn't have anything on your mind to say, like you couldn't think of anything?
    3. Did you put a lot of effort sometimes into thinking of things to say only to realize this effort is useless and only makes the problem worse?
    4. Did you feel like you were in the spotlight all the time like people were judging your every movement?
    5. Did you have extreme doubts about whether you would ever overcome your shyness and become the social person you wanted to be?
    6. Besides just thinking out loud, what were the key things you did that helped you overcome shyness? .
    Here's a little back round about myself. When I was a young kid I was a very outgoing, talkative kid. Something happened in my life when I was ten that made me an extreme introvert. I didn't break out of that until the end of my senior year.

    In my case I wasn't shy around my good friends or women I didn't find sexually attractive. I was extremely shy around women I found sexually attractive or men I wasn't good friends with. To these people I was the "guy that never talked". When I was around my good friends I wouldn't shut up.

    1. All the time. This was the main problem I had
    2. Often times I wanted to talk more, but not because I had nothing to say. It was more because of question 1.
    3. Yes all the time.
    4. Not really. Occasionally.
    5. Honestly, I never really thought about this.
    6. I realized that my good friends really appreciated me and looked up to me. I realized that the things I said to them were funny and important. I realized that I had worthy things to say. I also started doing techniques to increase my confidence. When you have a negative thought about yourself take it and "throw it away" in your mind and replace it with a positive thought. Tell yourself positive things in your mind 100 times a day. Things like "I'm good at talking to people" or "I'm an excellent conversationalist". Continue to repeat these things for weeks/months/years. It REALLY helps.

    Also, say hi to random strangers when you see them. Just say hi to men/children/women when you walk by them. You don't have to say anything else. This alone helps immensely. It's also a good idea to study body language. Walk like the guy you want to be. Keep your shoulders back, head held high, and smile. Force it if you have too. This automatically makes you feel better!

  6. #6
    redstar1324 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor Achievements:
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    Default Re: Thinking About Trying Online Dating...

    Why not do both?

    .....

    .......

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Thinking About Trying Online Dating...

    Somebody, Daygame is the best place to start if you're shy or you lack confidence . Try a university, tons of attractive single girls, zero competition.

    You should avoid night clubs. The girls there are much bitchier and more resistant to getting hit on.

  8. #8
    redstar1324 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor Achievements:
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    Default Re: Thinking About Trying Online Dating...

    No competition? What on Earth are you talking about? What about the other 1000000 students???? What about the frat boys? What about the athletes, the social guys, the guys that are already better at it than you????

    Don't avoid night clubs. Don't avoid anything. Expand your demographics and see what would work for you and maybe everything would work for you.....

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Thinking About Trying Online Dating...

    I have more anxiety in day game rather than in night game, at night people go to socialize and to interact with new people

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Thinking About Trying Online Dating...

    Quote Originally Posted by redstar1324 View Post
    No competition? What on Earth are you talking about? What about the other 1000000 students???? What about the frat boys? What about the athletes, the social guys, the guys that are already better at it than you????

    Don't avoid night clubs. Don't avoid anything. Expand your demographics and see what would work for you and maybe everything would work for you.....
    Actually university's are amazing places with little competition. The student composition at most university's is skewed heavily female. In fact most university's In my area are 54-62% female. You might not think that's a big difference, but it is!

    I attended a university that was 51% female and I still found it quite easy. In fact many attractive women (I'd say at least half) didn't have boyfriends. In all honesty, a college campus is one of the best places to talk to women. I should know, I attended a university for 8 years.

    I would avoid online dating myself. Very few men have success in online dating and it can be extremely discouraging. It won't increase your confidence, only erode it. I struggled with it and I'm an attractive guy who's very comfortable/outgoing around women already.


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