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  • 1 Post By Marco

Thread: Post-breakup... not sure how to get her back. Advice?

  1. #1
    DavidMann1987 Guest

    Question Post-breakup... not sure how to get her back. Advice?

    Hey,

    I'm new here.. I am a PUA... and have been for quite a while. Now while I may be good at PUA... I SUCK at handling relationships. I have never been very good at it. So now I am here... because I am not quite sure where else to turn for advice (REAL advice from a PUA standpoint).. so hopefully you guys can help me out. I apologize in advance for the LONG post... you dont have to read the letter I attached.. you can skip over it.. but if you want to give your advice on the letter as well then please - feel free to read it... but it is long so I warn you.


    Ok, so my girlfriend broke up with me two saturdays ago. She said it was because she needed to focus on her school and work and her graduating from college and such, and that she didn't want to worry about the stress of the relationship on top of that. Kinda BS if you ask me, because she told me she was prepared for the tough summer ahead of us. But.. then again... who knows.

    I had been letting myself fall into the submissive role of the relationship (I'd noticed) and she was gaining the control.. maybe she didn't like it and I wasn't attractive to her anymore. But at any rate... now I am on a mission to get her back.

    I read this book called the EX2 System and it was pretty informative. I am doing as the book said.

    1: Breaking contact with her unless she contacts me (via txt or phone).
    2: Bettering myself and making myself more alpha male again and building my self-esteem.
    3: Going on dates with other women.
    4: Flirting with other girls on myspace/facebook to make her realize that she really might have just lost me.

    I guess the point of this is to get her to realize she misses me and her to become lonely and contact me. So far... I do not know if it is working. She called me the night of the breakup and was asking how I was doing. I was out with friends so I was actually having a good time and she noticed I sounded chipper and not depressed. She was actually crying when I picked up the phone. She and I talked and I actually told her that I thought it was for the best and she acted surprised.

    But as of yesterday she txted me and told me she misses me. She called me twice today to just talk. I tried not to talk about the relationship and just talk about everything else that we could. It's beginning to bother me though. How she is trying to have contact with me but leaving me wondering where I stand as far as the relationship goes.

    I have written a letter to her - in the letter I let her know that I am NOT trying to get her back... but I wrote about all the places we as a couple messed up and where we individually messed up and how I think the breakup was for the best and how I am writing it so that we can move on and be friends and not to get her back. I know letters are a bad idea so I am debating whether or not to even send it... seeing as how she is admitting she misses me and how she is trying to contact me now more.

    Any advice??

    (important to NOTE... I have not sent the letter yet)

    -----------------------------------
    LETTER PART.
    Please feel free to skip this part - this is the letter I mentioned above. It is long and takes a bit of reading. If you decide to read this then please - offer any advice on it.

    Dear *insert name here*



    I’m going to start this letter off very simply. And I’m also going to try and not drag everything out. I understand the letter is long, but please bare with me here. I have been taking some time to think everything over. Why we broke up, what the underlying reasons were and such. This letter is not intended to bribe to back. It is not to make you feel guilty. It is not to beg you to reconsider. It is just things I wanted to say, but didn’t/couldn’t at the time.

    Us guys… we’re fixers. We always try and rationalize and fix things when we see an opportunity to do so. Just who we are… we want to always be the savior. But there is a downside to that as well… because some things are not meant to be “fixed”. I still feel that the breakup was best for both of us… at least for *now* so that we can get ourselves on track again.

    I’m going to start this out with me… so here we go.

    “ME”

    *insert name here*, I have had the time to think over ways I handled things and ways that I did things while in the relationship. I am not saying this because I want to try and convince you of any type of “change” or anything. I am telling you this so that you may be aware that I am man enough and mature enough to admit my fault and the fault I have caused you as well.

    If I could go back and give myself an ass kicking – I would lol. I argued with you, and called you names, and was hurtful. Likewise you were with me as well, but we are human… and what can you do? I remember after the first time we made love (or “looked for scissors” lol)… that we had a talk. We told each other that this would not change anything and that we would always be the same. You told me you were afraid that we would start fighting and such – and I told you that I hoped that wouldn’t happen to us. Honestly, if I could change one thing we did. I would have waited with you on the s3x... and focused on our emotional bond. Because after s3x we somehow let all the problems sneak up on us.

    I was immature about situations and I realize this now. Likewise, we both could have handled situations a lot better than we did.

    The big “J”. jealousy. Sigh, there isn’t much I can tell you that you don’t already know. Us guys tend to be jealous. Jealousy is simply caring so much about something that you don’t want it to be taken away. But when jealousy reaches the point where it bothers us guys… that is when we become “controlling”. As I told you before, us guys love to “fix” things… and we see an opportunity to fix a situation and make ourselves feel better about the topic we are “jealous” about… we become controlling to make us feel better.

    I admit guilt. I do. Jealousy is insecurity. Not necessarily in yourself, but in situations. It is something I told myself I would never do and I promised myself I’d never be a jealous or controlling boyfriend. It is something that I now realize I have a problem NOT doing. Certain situations (such as in the beginning of our relationship with your boss *insert name here* (for those on this forum... she was "talking" to some other guy while we were dating and lied about it. She came around after I froze her out - this was a long time ago)) made my trust waiver and bend… but I should have never picked up your phone and looked through it. I should never have distrusted you as my girlfriend. I should have never tried to control the situations and in turn – you. I apologize for making you feel smothered by that.

    What a load of Crock my “book” was haha. Well… let me tell you. It is getting a few new chapters added to it. My book of how to “pick up women” will now have a chapter on how to not fark up once you have that one special woman you want to share your life with. With that, my book will then be finished.

    How I wish I had the will to breathe you in while I could have.

    Above all, if I could change one thing about the way we handled things, it would be the way we communicated… which brings me off the topic of “me” and onto the topic of “US”.

    “US”

    All strong relationships have problems. Couples fight. People will do as they do and without hesitation. It is social conditioning. But the one thing that will always bring the two back together is solving the originating problem and thus stopping the problems from coming back up. They do this by sitting down and calmly talking to each other about problems and working through them. This is also a good time to get out any things that bother you about your significant other and communicate about them so that those little “pet peeves” don’t turn into huge complicated irritations. We let things go too long between these talks or communications. We would hold them in ourselves until things boiled up to the point where we exploded on each other.

    You are the first to admit that we would “put up” with things until the point where they just blew up.

    We always had such a strong connection, you and I. Somehow along the way we lost what we held closest to us. You and I are both still very young, and we have our whole lives ahead of us. Experiences we will cherish and loves who will come and go.

    I will be the first to admit that lately over the past few months things have really gotten off track from how they used to be. I have had a lot of stress on my lately and so have you. We would yell at each other and treat each other badly for small or unimportant reasons. I called you names I shouldn’t have and I did things I shouldn’t have. Sometimes it is so easy to just forget the simple things we shared. Like our love, like not judging each other, like the fun we have and how we would enjoy holding each other and feeling our hearts beating against our chests sharing one breath. If we forget the simple things though… then that is when the smallest issues become the largest problems – because we no longer have something to draw back on and hold onto.

    When I told you about the giving 70/30 thing… I was not talking about ACTIONS. I was not even talking about how much we see each other, nor the amount of EFFORT we put into the relationship. 90% of the time when I said that to you it is out of anger… because we were fighting. It is something I say.. just like you say hurtful things when we argue. We both put as much effort as we can… it has been that way for almost (would be on April 15’th) 8 months now. We have never had high expectations and we understood that each one of us has priorities in our lives, but that we would come together when we COULD.

    I guess there is a point in every relationship where you start to see things in the person you love that you never realized before. If you stare at a picture too long… you will ALWAYS start to see imperfections.

    -We should have come to each other when we could have-

    “YOU”

    You are too hard on yourself. You told me how you thought I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I am by you. Ture… but same goes for me... couples fight… they get mad… say things they don’t mean… and are hurtful. But they move on – understanding and forgiving. You said you thought I would be happier without you because of how I am treated “badly” by you.

    Cliché’s. Those are clichés and not truthful to yourself. We’re God Damn humans. (Pardon the language). Seriously… nobody is perfect… if they were, I’d pitty the people who weren’t him/her.

    Expecting perfection and setting high expectations from someone is ONLY formulating a plan for disappointment when you realize that they will never match up to your standards. I never expected perfection from you… and I know you never expected it from me. So please do not tell me that you think I deserve better because of how “badly” you have treated me. Everyone makes mistakes. The world is not a solid place but I took you for who you were.


    I’m not about to point blames here – that is not what I am doing with this letter. This letter is for ME. It is not meant to get you back and it is not meant to try to make you feel bad. This letter is so that I can come to terms with what were the underlying reasons of the breakup and so that I can fully release this.

    You have a lot of stress in your life. It is a known fact that people take out stress and frustration on people they are the closest to. I was the target of these. You are not fully to blame for this however, as I should have just removed my attention from you at the time and I should have just left and done something else then come back later… instead of getting angry and arguing with you.

    You never really seemed happy. Maybe you were… but you told me… and you told others that you hated how much I took care of myself and you hated how you paid equal for things and how you didn’t like how I always tried to look good and all the little things that made me… ME.

    You told me those things… but reality is… I have always been the person I was. I have always taken good care of myself. Why couldn’t you accept me for who I was and all my strengths and all my weaknesses and love me for every single one without judging me on them?

    You are in such a rush to grow up, *insert name here*. You are only 19, and while I completely understand the reasons for wanting to be out of your house – you must realize that the people in your family and the ones who care about you will be the ones who will be there for you when everyone else turns their backs. Take your time. Breathe in deep and relax. If you take a look around yourself you will realize that things are not as bad as they seem. You have somewhere to lay your head at night and you are going to school to be a very successful person in life. With the ambition and passion you have for your academics you will go far in life and there is no need to worry. If I could suggest one thing to you in your personal life – that would be to live every day and every minute as if it were your very last and just enjoy life. It is important to focus on the future, SURE… but it is equally as important to enjoy the things life has handed you in the present and not overlook the blessings you have.

    If there is one thing I have learned in life it is that you never know what will happen from one moment to the next. Something I am sure everybody has learned. It is however one of the most important things to always remember in life. Everything can change in literally the beat of your heart.

    So, I offer this one bit of advice for you. Relax and enjoy life – everything else will just fall into place the way it should, *insert name here*. You will be much happier. Likewise, remember the compliments you receive and forget the insults… and if you can figure out how to do that… please… tell me how to.


    Onward.


    I remember taking your hand in my car on deer valley road one night. I remember holding it tight. I told you that this summer was not going to be easy... and that I wanted you to remember that we were doing, what we are doing, so that we can have a future. I remember telling you that we will still see each other… but just not as often… and that sometimes it would be very difficult. I told you I loved you and that we would get through it and in the end we would have the future we both wanted. You kissed me and told me you agreed and that you loved me and understood and had prepared yourself already for this summer (I guess something changed… or you weren’t as prepared as you had promised me you were).

    I remember, sitting in taco bell… not even a month ago. You were telling me how you were so worried that I would break up with you or that we would be split up because of how hard our schedules would be, and because of how much stress we would have on each other. I remember also, that you were the one who said you think it would be stupid to break up because of inconveniences and because of schedules. You told me you think we should just muscle it out because we love each other and it doesn’t matter how much we get to see each other that we should just be there for one another. YOU said that.

    I honestly think that the reasons we went our separate ways was because the attraction in the relationship was gone. I think it was from all the arguments and from all the insults that our bond took a beating and is what ultimately made us decide that moving on and focusing on ourselves was the best choice for now.

    We have been blessed with an amazing Cake. It is the best and most delicious cake in the world. We dig in and begin to eat it – loving every second and every bite. We soon realize however that there are bits of glass and nails in the cake. The cake is so good that we don’t care and we continue to eat the cake despite the nails and glass. We lick off every piece of cake off of the glass and nails and all the while we are cutting and hurting ourselves. Soon we realize that there is nothing left but glass and nails but we keep eating it – hoping that sooner or later the cake will once again appear and that the nails and glass will go away.

    We were the ones that put the glass and nails in the cake by arguing and the hurtful things we did and said. There could be more cake underneath it… but without a radical and stimulating liberation there can never be any change. I think that this break up was that said “liberation”, and now maybe we will be blessed by fate giving us another chance someday, and we will once again find that cake… or maybe we won’t… but either way, I love all the times we spent together and all the stuff we shared. We somehow along the way forgot what really matters… our love. We also somewhere along the line forgot the simple things that made US who we were together. I will always love the memories we share.

    I guess this really just caught me off guard. Because you had me convinced that we would make it through this summer… and in fact we were planning an amazing summer… with trips to the beach, six flags, rock climbing, random adventures, celebrating your birthday (which I had amazing plans for already – you know me and planning stuff… it was one of the things you loved most about me haha), and so much more. We were so eager and looking forward to this time in our lives even though we knew it would be also the toughest. I never expected us to quit and throw out what an amazing thing we had. I guess this just takes me back to the point where I said you never know what will happen and things can change in the beat of your heart.

    Maybe we are too hard on each other, or maybe it’s just the way the cookie crumbles (where ever that saying even came from heh)… but all I really do know is that the time we have spent together… and everything we have done together… and all the smiles we have shared… all the tadpoles we have caught… and all the memories we will hold with us… were not in vain. Even that trip to Berkeley and throwing pennies… listing to the guitarist... and holding hands for the first time and smiling at each other because we felt safe was something I will always remember and for all the memories I hold with me make me just THAT much more of a person for experiencing it!

    I know one experience I will never forget that I spent with you… the xmas we spent together. Probably the best xmas I have ever had. I met so many members of your “family”. I was embraced by them and learned the culture and ways you guys do things. I loved every minute. And the next morning, waking up, and celebrating our xmas together… and I remember you crying over every gift you opened that morning. You were crying because you felt loved.

    One last thing that I am currently remembering… when we met and after the first date where I had everything planned and where I swept you off your feet (so-to-speak)… a couple weekends after that Stormie commented on your MySpace and asked if you wanted to go out that weekend… and I remember your response… it made me smile. You told her something along the lines of “David had plans this weekend. He is so amazing… I have never met someone who plans things out for us like he does.” I actually remembered that often and all the other appreciative and thankful, caring things you’d said and done.

    I heart you. I know that you heart me as well. You were my best friend. You probably will always be in the ranks of my best friends.
    I wish you the best, and I hope that we can come together and continue our friendship, as it would be quite a waste to throw away everything we’ve been through.

    -“I’ll take you for who you are… if you take me for everything… and maybe someday we’ll do it all over again.”- S.P.

    Heart,
    - David.

    Last edited by DavidMann1987; 04-04-2010 at 11:09 PM.

  2. #2
    Marco Guest

    Default Re: Post-breakup... not sure how to get her back. Advice?

    Post-breakup.
    Whoa I like this expression.
    Her pussy is not made of gold,is it?No,it isn't.
    There are 3 billion women out there.Can you say she's THE ONE?No,you can't.You haven't met them all.If you think she's THE ONE,then,my friend you got yourself in a small surrounding of people.Make new friends.That'll get you more reputation and more women.

    You meet new girls.If you meet,let's say 10 girls,at least 1 of them will turn you on sexually(if not,check your sexual interest).You can nail her.You can do whatever you want.

    But let's get back to the topic..why is that you want her? Because she destroyed your ego.It happened to me..ONCE.

    Now I just bang them,nail them,don't give a fuck about anything.
    Once you get feelings,you'll get hurt.

    Enter Buddhism or whatever.

  3. #3
    crobinson1 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Post-breakup... not sure how to get her back. Advice?

    this was actually well thought out and i felt like i read something that all men kind of think when they know they messed up in a relationship. I dont think you should give her the letter but i wouldnt get rid of it. I would actually do what most people say and that is get her to chase you. Right now she is obviously vulnerable and wants to get back with you badly. But she also wants to be certain that her decision was the right one so she isnt trying to give into you. So i would kind of show her the good parts that she missed. Like if you guys hang out with the same group of friends. try and get something happening with everybody and have a fun time like you would if you were with her but dont approach her like you would if u were dating her. We all know that when your dating someone you go say hi, give them a kiss, be playful and all that. But dont let her try and cling to that. But also dont get rid of the sexual Tension. You want her sitting there thinking about kissing you and all that. But the same thought that comes around is if she gets back together with you, you cant fall into the way things were cause her same thoughts will come up. so you have to try and put on the show that after breaking up with her, you are *almost* unaffected* but affected enough to close up and not let her in as easily and that she will have to work hard to fix it. But their is also a thought from Vin Dicarlo, that some types of women date for potential and might try to fix you and once they do they lose all interest. So basically you dont want to fix yourself so quick. Take your time. Figure out what she is trying to fix. And then dont fix it. Why is it you think some girls stay with guys they know they are good matches for. they always say, "oh he will change, i know he will, cause he cares for me and i know he loves me". Fark that, he doesnt care about who you are, he cares about the memories and good times with you and that more will come but he doesnt care about you as a person. He wouldnt be abusive and all that bull shit. So yes i believe that you need to probably stick to the usual plan and get her to chase you. I know its hard and it takes lots of will power and stuff not to just pick up the phone and start texting. And change some things. If you seemed like you had a plan or something, start seeming like your trying the spontaneous life and just doing things just cause. Maybe change a few things to seem more fun, open, spontaneous, adventurous, and stuff like that. It shows the fun but she also knows that you as a person didnt change and u are still the same guy she cared about.

    Also make her feel like you are now, make conversations short like your busy and that you care about talking to her but you had plans and you dont want to blow off something you already committed yourself to. Cause just like your doing, when you cant get something you think about it a lot. When she cant get the attention she wants/ needs from you, it will be on her mind quite a lot. I guess you got lucky cause she is contacting you and wanting you when most girls are just flaky/shady bitches after they break up with a dude.

  4. #4
    crobinson1 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Post-breakup... not sure how to get her back. Advice?

    arent good matches for....and also messed up with the part about the get together. You want her to think about trying to be playful and all that but dont let her. Give off The Vibe like it wouldnt be right to do that cause we arent together.


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