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  1. #1
    Raven Guest

    Default Profile writing help - Critique


    Regretfully, my online game sucks. I have only met 2 chicks so far, whom I didn't care to meet a second time, despite messaging many. My pictures are good (only head shots so far, I am getting good ones done tomorrow which display the bod). As a side note, I only message the Christian or Catholic girls, I'm not interested in the atheist types, being a college student that is trying to get into Divinity school (yeah yeah... we aspiring pastor's need chicks too - and I don't mind dating non-Christian girls I sarged offline, I can't screen religion so easily offline). So keep that in mind if you chose to assist me in editing my profile. Below is what I have. Feel free to tear into it and tell me how horrific it is. It was developed using a bunch of different opinions from different PUA's. I'll probably take the friend part out, as one girl messaged me back "why are you on a dating site looking for friends?" I had a darn good response to that question, but I fear that the friend thing may be turning girls off rather than on as it is intended to.

    Without further ado -

    I’m really just looking for friends right now; I’m usually on here when I am bored and procrastinating from what I should be doing… Now taking applications for a new friend!

    I am a really busy guy, but I love meeting fun people, to do fun things… usually really late at night… I have the craziest career goal. Frankly, I am always a bit crazy. Just last week I impulsively got my upper ear pierced because I darn well felt like it. Plus, it makes me feel like a pirate. I’m a little tired of meeting girls who are trying to save the world by being vegetarians, claim to be spiritual because their grandma took them to mass when they were 6, and think spraying perfume on my jacket when I go to the bathroom is going to make me fall in love with them. Smells nice though.

    I have a weird group of friends which includes an ex-rapper, a famous architect, a door hinge salesman, a pastor, and a bunch of crazy college students. Even the pastor goes to the bar with us, that’s how cool we are. One time he got drunk off one beer and felt super guilty. I laughed. Another time I sent my rapper friend a text asking for music recommendations and I almost ruined his relationship because his girlfriend I thought I was another woman, and he had a new phone without my name in it. She still mistrusts him, although she knows now that I’m a man. Go figure. Maybe I am that hot.

    A little about you: You’re likely some lonely girl with unrealistic expectations who is sitting around waiting for some ridiculously gorgeous guy that satisfies all 971 requirements to message you, while deleting 10 messages a day from retards who call you “baby.” You will insist that you are not lonely, despite the fact that you are looking for a man on the Internet, probably on multiple sites, but I know you are. If you are intelligent, fun, and have your life together, feel free to message me. But if you do, answer this one question: What animal do you identify with the most? You can tell a lot about a person by what they answer.

  2. #2
    Sporty Guest

    Default Re: Profile writing help - Critique


    First, I like that you poke a little fun at the online dating thing in your profile, though I'm not sure if it comes across as cocky funny or just like you already think you're better than everyone on the online dating sites (of which there are plenty of, and it can be a big turnoff because it shows a congruence problem). The two times I've had successful online profiles, they included a bit of mockery about the online dating process (including making fun of the stereotypical pictures guys post - pic by themself, pic with a dog, pic at the beach, pic at a bar with friends).

    Also, rather than open with "just looking for friends" why not open with the personality traits you're looking for and not looking for. Maybe follow it with something about your ideal gf would be your best friend, linking the idea of friendship and maybe more.

  3. #3
    Raven Guest

    Default Re: Profile writing help - Critique

    Excellent advice. I tried to put it to work in writing this pirate-themed profile I just wrote. Let me know what you think:

    First, before you message me, please read about what I am looking for in a woman. First of all, intelligence is a must. I am not attracted to the kind that act like Laurie from That 70’s Show. I also like a risqué personality, someone adventurous and willing to try new things (get your mind out of the gutter), who likes sharing the wheel on road trips, staying up way too late in weekends, wants to travel, and enjoys learning new things. Lastly, and not least, passion is a must – if you’re any combination of bold, feisty or deeply compassionate, we might just get along.

    As for me, I be a pirate. I sail the high seas searching for plunder. If ye don’t love pirates, well, ye should, and we shan’t get along. Every day I wake up, go down to the shipyard, and me crew and I sail away in search of booty. By being me friend, ye shall have the opportunity to be sail around the world, drink more rum, push British soldiers off planks, befriend monkeys and parrots, and wear a sexy eyepatch. If this be soundin’ like fun, it’s because it is, and ye might be pirate yourself.

    I have a grand crew which includes an ex-rapper, a famous architect, a door hinge salesman, a pastor, and a bunch of crazy college students. The architect is the Keeper of the Rum, he creates, stores, and watches over the liquid gold in the cargo hold. The pastor is our spiritual advisor, he delivers last rights to plank victims and keeps our pirate m0rals in line. The rapper keeps a jaunty tune a-goin’ aboard, and the door hinge salesman makes sure all the treasure chests aboard are outfitted with the finest hinges. As for the college students - they do the rest of the work, and provide entertainment.

    Being a pirate is busy work. That’s why I be lackin’ the time to do all the good dating site things all the non-pirate guys do, like post all the stereotypical pictures – ye know, one with a dog, one on the beach, one at a bar hazy-eyed with a bunch of other drunks… errr, friends. I also don’t have time to develop copy and pasted messages to send to 30 women a night, so if a girl be lookin’ fine to bring aboard, I just read her profile and if I be approvin’ I message her something I thought up all on my own. If ye be keen on meeting a pirate, message me with your answer to this question: What animal do you identify with the most?

    Note: My headline is "Do you look sexy in an eyepatch?"
    Last edited by Raven; 11-26-2010 at 01:39 AM.

  4. #4
    Raven Guest

    Default Re: Profile writing help - Critique

    It's working!!! "I enjoyed your profile; it was well written and witty." - an HB8. Wait 'til I get me sexy pics up, my online game will be beast!

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