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Thread: Having Difficulty Socializing and Getting a Social Life

  1. #1
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    Default Having Difficulty Socializing and Getting a Social Life

    Lately I've been wondering about what the primary reason is for why I behave the way I do. I'm currently shy, lack social skills, and can be socially awkward at times. For this reason, I come off to people I meet as uptight and probably depressed as well because I seem to never have fun. I mean, I try to fake it and smile a lot or fake laugh because I don't want to appear that way but, on the inside, I'm not really enjoying myself and having fun. Truthfully, I don't have fun anymore as strange as that may sound. I can't even remember the last time I shared a genuine laugh with someone. Also, I don't seem to know how to be myself, loosen up around people, and express myself. As you can imagine, this causes a lot of problems and heartache. Thinking about this too much probably doesn't help, but I'm trying to figure this out. I'm wondering if the main cause of this is either a lack of social practice or a consistently bad Mindset. See, I have people I can talk to in my life such as my family and I go to college and work where I can talk to people. So, I do get some practice, though not much, but I notice I don't have a very good mindset. I think negative thoughts consistently and I'm generally just too inside my head when I'm around others. I've written down and identified many of these thoughts and attitudes in hopes that going over the list at the end of each day and reviewing how I did will help me since I'm trying to eliminate them. Here they are:

    1. Hesitating to say or do what comes to mind out of fear of what others will think or thinking myself that what I have in mind to do or say is weird or boring.
    2. Thinking I have to impress people by being interesting and funny.
    3. Taking the disapproval of others personally and thinking it's evidence that something is wrong with me.
    4. Thinking of myself as shy, lonely, and not confident.
    5. Getting down on myself, and beating myself up, when I fail to be the person I want to be.
    6. Look for faults in others and viewing them negatively such as by how they look.
    7. Thinking or worrying about how I look such as by thinking I'm ugly when I see myself in the mirror.
    8. Thinking or worrying about the past or future. For example, not being able to let go of the mistakes I made in the past and worrying that I won't get to where I want to in the future.
    9. Assuming other people think negatively of me.
    10. Trying too hard to think of things to say to people. Things don't seem to come to me naturally so I start to think hard about it.
    11. Comparing myself to others. For example, seeing a person who is more social and confident, or a couple holding hands, and getting depressed that I don't have what they have.
    12. Trying to impress people and get them to like me.
    13. Being glad to see others fail. For example, being glad to see another man fail with a women or
    be shy and awkward as it makes me feel better about myself.
    14. Getting depressed about what's wrong in my life, and what I don't have, rather than being happy and grateful for what I do have.
    15. Hiding emotions that I feel like expressing because of caring too much what others think. For example, if I wanted to jump for joy, I would be too afraid of what others might think.
    16. Getting caught up in thoughts of hopelessness and despair because of my present situation, past mistakes, or feeling I can't achieve my future goals or it might take a long ass time.
    17. Thinking about future outcomes when I interacting with people. For example, I might be thinking about how I want to become friends with this person or have a girl be my girlfriend. It tends to take me out of enjoying the present moment and causes me to act more needy.
    18. Generally just being too focused on myself and what others think of me. For example, I'm too focused on how I come across to others.

    A lot of these thoughts and attitudes I go through on a daily basis. I know they're mostly, if not all bad, and many self-centered, so I'm wondering if my mindset is what's blocking me from being outgoing and social or if it's a lack of practice mostly, or maybe both. I'm trying to eliminate all of these bad thoughts in hopes that I will be completely a different person when I do. However, I'm trying to attack this problem at two angles - by changing my thoughts and by practicing socializing more, so maybe it doesn't really matter which is the main cause. I'm working on them both. What do you think of this strategy and what do you think is the main cause of this problem I'm having: lack of practice or bad mindset?

  2. #2
    Sam981 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Having Difficulty Socializing and Getting a Social Life

    I can feel you bro. I also face this problem. Reasons could be many honestly, but that's the least you should be concerned IMO. What you really should be concerned is how to overcome these thoughts, which I'll try to address that help me too.

    So you might have seen some guys who are naturally positive towards everything. They are ready to try new things, think positive about people, are non-judgmental and somehow seem 'contented' with their life even though they might not have achieved anything in their life apparently. Well, unfortunately, I (and probably you also) are not one of those who 'naturally' have a positive attitude towards life. So what I do is to Enforce positive thoughts into my mind.

    Now getting to the solution, here's what you can do:

    1. Have more friends. Family and workplace people are not enough. Have some people who share the same values and goals as you. Then you'll really start to get a 'genuine laugh'.

    2. Do some activity. As it has happened to me too, I am assuming that you don't do much in your life except work, then coming back home to family, sleeping, watching TV or movies, that's pretty much your life isn't it ??

    Even if not, find some hobby that you really enjoy. And I don't mean watching movies or video games. Something outdoors. Trust me nothing gets your mood better than fresh air so even if you go out for a walk, you'll start to see a positive energy in you.

    3. Try something NEW. So its more like the previous point but I want to emphasis it because this is the 'break through' as you may call. So what happens in a situation like this is you get 'stuck' in a pattern of negative Mindset and routine. The best way to break it is to try something new.

    I'll give my example here. 2 years ago I was the same. Wouldn't go out much, didn't have time for anything other than my studies (was a student then) or my family. So one day one of my old school friend called me just to talk. Now I wasn't in a mood to remotely even meet some one from that past and probably he also didn't have any intention to meet. But I took the opportunity and decided to have a 'Re-Union' of old school friends. And trust me it was the one of the best times I had since ages. After that positive energy kept flowing.

    I don't know about your culture but you can try things like:

    --> Joining a dance class
    --> Joining some sports club
    --> Any kind of social work

    4. Meet more Girls. Well lets face it. Nothing is more enjoyable than spending quality time with girls. Its the way humans are. Sexual desire is probably the most powerful desire of all.

    Since you have trouble speaking to people, a good place to start would be online. At the same time I would suggest you to go out in real life and just have simple talks with women. If you don't know how to do it there's a challenge (known as Style Life Challenge) given in the book "Rules of the Game" by Neil Strauss.You might wanna read that if you haven't. Briefly, its a 30 Day challenge, along with guidelines and you have to complete the tasks given each day. So at the end of 30 or even 60 days, you'll have automatically developed the good lifestyle.

    5. Meditate. Last but not the least, meditation. A good way would be to read some books on psychology (that's just my opinion). Some people suggest meeting psychiatrist too once every month. I don't know much books about psychology, but since you have posted on a PU forum I would recommend a book that is related to pickup mostly. Its "Models by Mark Manson".
    He has his blog also and shares some really nice articles on human behaviors and psychology, so I would also suggest reading his articles frequently.

    That's all I can think of. May be that helps.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Having Difficulty Socializing and Getting a Social Life

    I really likes Sam's post. I'd like to add a few things.

    -Positive body language leads to positive thoughts. Keep that head high and smile even if you don't feel like it. It will make you feel better and more confident. Walk like the guy you want to be.

    -Make it a point to smile, make eye contact, and say "Hi" to every stranger you walk by, male or female. This sounds easy and silly but it will increase your confidence immensely.

    -One thing that helps change your Mindset is by changing your thoughts. When you get a negative thought about yourself, take it and "throw it in the trash" in your head. Then replace it with a positive thought. Also, repeat positive things about yourself in your head a 100 times a day or more. A few lines I repeat to myself when I get down are "I'm confident, I'm attractive, I'm really good with women, I have allot of options among beautiful women". I will repeat these 100 times or more every day. It really helps.

  4. #4
    Sam981 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Having Difficulty Socializing and Getting a Social Life

    Quote Originally Posted by DirectIsBest View Post
    -Make it a point to smile, make eye contact, and say "Hi" to every stranger you walk by, male or female. This sounds easy and silly but it will increase your confidence immensely.
    Honestly, this is how simple this is. A simple 'Hi'. Its just like working out in gym. You start with small and then gradually build it up. Your mind is like a muscle. the more you keep it working, the more it remains "in state" as you may say it.


    Quote Originally Posted by DirectIsBest View Post
    -One thing that helps change your Mindset is by changing your thoughts. When you get a negative thought about yourself, take it and "throw it in the trash" in your head. Then replace it with a positive thought. Also, repeat positive things about yourself in your head a 100 times a day or more. A few lines I repeat to myself when I get down are "I'm confident, I'm attractive, I'm really good with women, I have allot of options among beautiful women". I will repeat these 100 times or more every day. It really helps.
    Very nice point. I would like to add something (or actually Quote something). Its a concept called "Your two minds" by Mark Manson. When you think negatively, you "Relate yourself" to the negative thoughts which in turn, makes you feel bad about yourself. So what you should do is seperate yourself from these negative thoughts.

    So for example, if you are feeling angry instead of thinking

    --> "I am angry" think "I am feeling anger"

    --> instead of "I am sad" think "I am feeling sadness"

    This way you can separate yourself from negative emotions. And once you separate, then you can replace these thoughts with positive emotions as described above.


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