This is going to be a long read and thus I'd request you to bear with me.
I have been in the pick up community for the past 3 years. And being in field had also garnered me the results that I sought.
At my peak, I dated 3 girls but made the mistake of falling in love with a girl that I met in a club one night. We dated for three weeks and she had me throughly enthralled by her beauty, wit and intelligence. I was stricken with one-itis despite knowing that she was in an existing relationship. The other women felt somehow lacking in comparison. I was in a quasi relationship with her for eight months.
Suffice to say that it never quite lasted. I grew increasingly disgusted with her and came to realise that she happens to be a playette. I stopped seeing her. However, the damage was done and I got back to being a chode. While I stopped all forms of communication with her, my mind was clearly fucked up and to overcome the despair I sought solace in prostitutes. Especially the bombay bar girls that are akin to strippers. The girl that I was in a quasi- sex relationship with moved on to another guy and broke up with her bf for him. This worsened my bitterness with her and she would spite me with her photos with him. On whatsapp that is. Consequentially, I blocked her off all social media forms of communication.
Some of the bar girls that I met were love addicts and I dated them despite their baggage. A girl that I am dating now has a kid and lives alone. She does seem to like me and yet I don't feel inclined to take things any further as she is a hooker. Despite the sex being great.
I have severe self esteem problems and feel that I am not nearly good looking enough. My thinning hair seems to worry me incessantly. I feel the burden of getting older and seem unable to cope with it. Think of it as a quarter life crisis if you will.
Although, at work, the women seem to adore me. I am the only guy who hangs out with a group of girls. Even though they are not that attractive and my social skills are seemingly sub par.
I am nearly 30 but in great shape. The meds I take seem to have stabilised my hair loss. I find that my social skills are lacking and am too stuck up in my own head.
Points of observation:
1) I don't wish people in the morning as I fear that they would ignore me.
2) The girls try to talk to me but I act aloof and uninterested. There's this particular girl that I like who has hazel eyes and olive skin. She's pretty hot but we work in the same department and I don't want to shit where I eat. I also don't intend to veer off towards a scarcity Mindset.
3) I have been told that I am intense and calculating as well as lacking in terms of facial expressions. It makes it hard for people to read me. A few of the older women at office complimented me on my looks. I only met her her with a dour expression and an unenthusiastic 'thank you'.
4) I have low self esteem and hate photos. A paradox I know.
5) My ex stated that I was too unsecure, unstable and erratic for her taste.
6) I have had four failed relationships. I despise women and don't trust them in the slightest.
What steps can I take to fix my inner game and get back to being a boss in field? What can I do to keep myself motivated and not succumb to a porn/sex addiction?
I spoke to mystery about being intense and calculating on fb and he told me that, " I am intense and calculating too. What you can't fix. you feature. Some women just dig brains."
He has been fairly busy since then and I have not been able to get in touch with him since then,